Dear Diary,

As if I ever frequently post on here anymore but it's fair to say I post infrequently and even when I do I am an unreliable narrator. Selectively telling you what's going on. I'm getting quite unwell at the moment. Mentally that is.

Physically I'm running/cycling 2-3 hours a day, except for this Saturday, I'm the cardio fittest I've ever been. I'm on the verge of physical change I believe. I found my trousers were falling down earlier on Saturday. I'm doing therapy at the moment. I have a therapy workflow document, we are talking about different issues. The last session we talked about the injury (April 2022). Maybe I talked about it on here, maybe not. The next session I want to talk about the relationship that happened in July-August that ended as quickly as it began. 

In relationships I see a version of myself that others might see. In relationships I see a version of myself that I could be. It seems at work I have had some problematic relationships. Relationships with peopel I work with have broken down. I've been kicked out of the union committee and it seems I'm no longer in receipt of communications from the union. I did a bad thing to the union chair. I guess you could say I got a pound of flesh from him. Now it seems lots of other people demanding a pound of flesh.  I may not be able to keep my job after what's happened. I need to be serious and sober about what this might mean. 

I started this blog maybe in 2006 or 2008 I can't fully remember. What I do remember is I was hurting a lot and my bulimia was one of the early themes. Well Weight Loss has been a revisiting topic lately with my new routine. Tan thinks I'm unwell with how much I run. I dont flag how her emotional eating is the mirror of what I'm going through. Probably won't land if I say it, or even if I think it.

Anyway. It's Christmas coming up. There are so many concrete things that have happened and I've not told you. I've not told my friends, family. I've not told the people I'm close to how difficult work is. I have a therapist. I guess I'm trying to trust her. I perhaps myself don't realise the greavity of things. I'm really missing Jem at the moment. Jem's not replying to my messages. I'm not sure how to talk to her anymore. I felt this intense attraction and bonding with her and I never talked about it with her. I'm too afraid to. I guess because she's older and has her own thing going on. I am increasingly feeling without ..a side, without a crew, without a team. On my own.