This was written in February

The day after our last session. I was looking at my desk. I was looking all around me and I was distracted by all the things around me. There are so many things around me. I mentioned as an example that I had lots of postcards on my desk. I had about 50-60. It’s under a marble block. The marble I think comes from Italy. It’s a sample block that was sent to me during work. It was such a weird thing to be sent, a block of marble as a rectangle square thing, that it was unique enough to keep. I use it as a ppaperweight because it really keeps things held down. Its 2:30 in the afternoon on Thursday 9th. I decided to get rid of all the postcards. Except a few. I have some postcards that I got from comicon. There’s the practice of gift trading with our flag means death fans so the postcards are fan art and personal and there’s a story behind them. Lots of the other postcards, they are related to artists who send their portfolio to us as part of my job, they are good artists, they usually send postcards with a blank behind and I like using them, there’s a story behind it like the one I’m just telling you now. Some really posh ones too, some even came with envelopes to send to people, so the pile of postcards were not just postcards. They are envelopes. I got rid of it. It will count as my two for a day a nd I’ve marked that in the diary. It felt difficult. I kept the our flag means death postcards as there’s only 3 of them and they still feel special. Our flag means death is about people who are looking for a place in the world and that is important to me to keep.

 Dear  Diary,

Portfolio has gone up. It's 81k. That's about 5k more than the last time I checked, which in fairness was close to 5 months ago it seems. 

I've been doing a lot of running as a way of dealing with my distress. It has meant I haven't allowed myself much desk time. 

Executive function

 

I believe it’s been since 5 November since I have really worked on Lampe and keeping logs. I have been in a dark place lately, struggling mentally. I am really desperately trying to keep to the best routine and keep as best I can to not succumbing to the low mood. I know around the early mid period of November was when I got hospitalised. I had things to keep my mind active, I had lots of concerts to go to and I made a new friend, maybe more on her later. It was the case that the Sunday news was taking a lot out of me as well as a new king of isolation.

(1)

It’s only today I am really stitging down and facing the therapy and the writing I do to process my feelings. I have lots to say. I think its best I just write it down. I have been avoiding. Things have been piling up in my room, all the comics, pdfs and in my digital organising. I have a hoarding problem I realise. I’m also working on this. (2)

What have I been up to in between 5 November to 8 December? I write this at 2323. I struggle waking up but I face more emails of things going on with the Sunday and with the trans community and everything gets darker. I have kept to a bare minimum. I shower daily, I wash my hair roughly a week. I haven’t been vacuuming much. I only changed my sheets three times in the last 6 weeks and not evenly over that time. The other thing is that I’m running, my weight has gone up. Today (8 December) I’m hitting 26% and I’m around 95kg. That’s higher than it was in early October. I feel my weight control is a sign of things being difficult (3) 

By writing this I hope that I’m showing an effort to improve things. I haven’t been facing my feelings, I have been burying myself as a form of survival. My dysphoria has been difficult. Work has been difficult. It’s been a struggle just to get through the way I have. I don’t know if I could have done better. I feel a disappointment inside myself. (4) 

 I don't think I've talked as much about being nonbinary on here. 

Less and less I feel less like a man. I have the man parts, I have quite prominent man parts, I participate in masculinity but I don't feel like a man anymore. 

I've always been this way it's just...never allowed to talk about it. Never validated.

Anyway on Tuesday 29th I told some more people. I feel like I should have kept quite so I got upset after I told them. It felt overwhelming. 

 I'm working on some new therapy exercises and I'll use this blog to work through them I think.

My safe space is: the English classroom in college. with the view of the hill

My safe space makes me feel: isolated, alone, remote, distanced from things that threaten me. I feel welcome here. I belong. I am me, here. 

 dary diary

it's 4am, 5th september.

I'm 38.

I'm about 91-92kg, I'm in the low 24% bodyfat. I've been running daily for 2000kcal minimum. 2 hours a day roughly. I''m really surprised how my body has changed. 

I'm heartbroken and infatuated with J. The feeling's unrequited.  need to get over her.

Regular writing task: 

Write 3 things you are positive about today

1. I went to work - difficulties at work wherein I've been told I'm only allowed certain days (complaint from former manager) - I feel at risk at all times and its made me I'll
2. I'm wearing my new pink gender affirming kimono at work today. a casual I work with said its 'flowy'. that's exactly what I was intending
3. I have been working on planning diary tasks and life admin during work today. I'm on track  

 Goals Achieved (Odysseus schema)

Get to 26.5% (22/03/2024)

Get to 25.9% (22/03/2024)

Get to 25.7% (22/03/2024)

Keep 98 for a week

get to 96kg (22/03/2024)

PRo social goals.

My special friend C and I went shopping for gender affirming clothes in vintage stores in Brighton last weekend, last month we went to Hyper Japan. i really enjoy spending time with C. It helps me not think about J... well maybe.

 Major goal achieved (Odysseus schema)

75k by June 2024

Ambitious goal: 70k by end of 2023?

66k by January 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

67k by February 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

68k by March 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

70k by end of March 2024 (set 10/7/2023) -

68k by May 2024 (lowball, set 10/07/2023)

69k by May 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

70k by May 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

71k by June 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

72k by July 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

73k by July 2024 (05/08/2023)

 Hello

i know it's been a while. I have been going through a lot. It seems my body has changed. I'm bona fide more skinny now. I'm also in a very low way. So, I'm doing som admin and I thought I'd mention that I've achieved a few fitness goals:

get to 25.9% (14/04/2024)

Get to 25.1% (14/04/2024)v