I'm working on some new therapy exercises and I'll use this blog to work through them I think.

My safe space is: the English classroom in college. with the view of the hill

My safe space makes me feel: isolated, alone, remote, distanced from things that threaten me. I feel welcome here. I belong. I am me, here. 

 dary diary

it's 4am, 5th september.

I'm 38.

I'm about 91-92kg, I'm in the low 24% bodyfat. I've been running daily for 2000kcal minimum. 2 hours a day roughly. I''m really surprised how my body has changed. 

I'm heartbroken and infatuated with J. The feeling's unrequited.  need to get over her.

Regular writing task: 

Write 3 things you are positive about today

1. I went to work - difficulties at work wherein I've been told I'm only allowed certain days (complaint from former manager) - I feel at risk at all times and its made me I'll
2. I'm wearing my new pink gender affirming kimono at work today. a casual I work with said its 'flowy'. that's exactly what I was intending
3. I have been working on planning diary tasks and life admin during work today. I'm on track  

 Goals Achieved (Odysseus schema)

Get to 26.5% (22/03/2024)

Get to 25.9% (22/03/2024)

Get to 25.7% (22/03/2024)

Keep 98 for a week

get to 96kg (22/03/2024)

PRo social goals.

My special friend C and I went shopping for gender affirming clothes in vintage stores in Brighton last weekend, last month we went to Hyper Japan. i really enjoy spending time with C. It helps me not think about J... well maybe.

 Major goal achieved (Odysseus schema)

75k by June 2024

Ambitious goal: 70k by end of 2023?

66k by January 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

67k by February 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

68k by March 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

70k by end of March 2024 (set 10/7/2023) -

68k by May 2024 (lowball, set 10/07/2023)

69k by May 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

70k by May 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

71k by June 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

72k by July 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

73k by July 2024 (05/08/2023)

 Hello

i know it's been a while. I have been going through a lot. It seems my body has changed. I'm bona fide more skinny now. I'm also in a very low way. So, I'm doing som admin and I thought I'd mention that I've achieved a few fitness goals:

get to 25.9% (14/04/2024)

Get to 25.1% (14/04/2024)v

 Dear Diary,

I'm not on the computer much these days. I spent a lot of time running. On Sundays I aim to run 3 hours a day. My goal today was to avoid running because I have a headache and I have some admin I really need to do. 

So I did the following:

• Tally assets (73k atm)
• set up banking apps on phone
• Setting up meetings
• BUy tickets to Pantera
• Buy tickets to Zeal & Ardor
• tidy up logging tasks
• Logged steps
• Logged kcal targets
• Finished up some reading (yesterday)

Now I've done all of that stuff. I think I can allow myself to go to the gym. I have a nasty headache tonight. Is it a hangover? 

 I was watching the baby reindeer series on netflix.

it upset me really profoundly because how much it relates to my own personal experiences. It feels so heavy and unbearably so. 

 ABC Please

24/04/2024 (0744  i've been up since yesterday)

A: Accumulate positive experiences: Yesterday I had a good chat with my neighbur and best friend Mu, asked about his boys, his wife. 

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: Running has been good lately

C: Cope ahead: I think I'm doing actually good at this one, in spite of fatigue I've been able to organise through my paper diary

P: Physical illness prevention: This is a loaded question given I've been up all night, my bodyfat is the lowest its ever been

L  Low vulnerability to diseases: does gender dysphoria count?

E: Exercise regularly: I think I'm doing okay with this, rest days make me anxious

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: Pizza, but I'm okay with it

S: Sleep healthy, except for this insomnia ll nighter, yes its been good

E: Eat heathy? My bodyfat the last time I checked was 24.8% the lowest I've had it. That's literally after I ate a 15 inch pizza

 Things I did today (Saturday 20 April)

I hit the middle of the 25% zone after oing up to 27% during a panic attack. I'm recovering a bit from the panic attack. I didn't go to the gym today. I decided to sleep in instead of going to the step class and doing early treadmill running. I decided to go to waitrose, then go about 3 miles in another direction to get to Uniqlo. I was meaning to get some more M sized tank tops and I got some M sized pants. I have been recommended to get smaller pants because it helps with my testicle problem. It is seen as a means to help my gender expression to have smaller pants - so that my balls are held up a bit more. 

I also bought some lamb ribs. I am preoccupied with Pizza this week. decided instead to get some lamb ribs tonight. I bought 18 lamb ribs and I only ate about 4 so far. I have put them in my oven to eat for later. I'm thinking about having more meaty/proteiny fast food. I have some boiled broccoli pre-cooked to have with the ribs when I eat it later.  I've lost some weight lately and I realise there's a challenge to keep my weight and bodyfat down. I have set a really high pace of activity and it's my realisation that to keep that body i Have to keep my activity level up.