I started writing this at 1558.
SO I'm just sitting down taking a pause. I got up a little late. I have trouble sleeping. I *did* take my meds. I have trouble remembering. I wake up. Meds, minox (hair preservation thingy), take a piss. My weight went down 4kg since yesterday. Yesterday I was 88. Today I am 84.8. I would have been happy with 86. I'm pushing my body to extremes. I'm also not eating. I am having some jealousy and envy issues. I'm dissocciating a lot. I keep switching between my alter parts. I'm doing some therapy reading atm.
So I got up today.
I feel some distress writing it. I'm thinking of J and G together. being a couple, jealous. I am saying the unsayable. I'm so angry at myself. The only way I can move forward is if I lose weight.
I go to Lidl. I go before 5pm closing. I got some ready meals. I really love the spag bol ready meals. I find a place that does the delivery thing for Vinted. I sold another book. I am selling stuff on Vinted. I'm kinda surprised. I'm struggling with hoarding and its a small step forward. I'm home now. I put the spag bol in the micro. I'll get it out in a second. I have some music on. I finished watching wonder man.
What will I do when I finish writing this? I'll vacuum. I'll change my sheets. I'll set time to change my sheets and vacuum again. I'll put away my clothes. I need to shave. I'm feeling kind of dysphoric atm. I have this feeling that the woman inside me isn't allowed to exist. It takes my mind to certain places. I feel like she won't be accepted, considered ugly.
I'm kind of jacked at the moment. I don't yet have abs. I feel like the only true way I can say I'm allowed to say I'm jacked is if I have the six pack. I need to get down to 15%. I'm currently 22%. I was 20 a while back. My BF% is harder to manage than my weight. My weight *is* going down but my bodyfat is staying the same. I hope I'm not eating into my muscles. Damn. I cann't get those back.
Once I finish my home chores I need to go outside and do gym. At this rate I won't be able to do 4 hours. Maybe 3. If I do 3 I can hopefully do 50 mins every 1000kcal. or 1000kcal every 50 mins. that's my rate.
Okay I gotta get started. Maybe eat that food first
1605
