Conatus; the striving

Eat what's on your plate

2012-01-28T12:34:00.003Z

28th January 2012: start time: 01:23 (am)

Dear Diary,

Right now I am using the fact that I cannot sleep to good use. I am also using the fact that I have no internet connection to good use. Right now, I am currently 'foldering', as I call it. I am currently putting my old folders into a new master folder, which involves putting them into a new categorisation schema. I also will need to, at some hopeful point, cleanse these documents and put them into digital form by scanning them. This is a usual ritual for me.

As I went through the documents of the past nearly 2 years, I found a lot of stuff that threw me emotionally. I found for instance, documents from the job centre; rejection letters (fewer than I thought); bank statements, lots more bank statements, and various unsorted items that represent memories. Over the past nearly-2 years, I have accumulated quite a few memories, some are good, some are neutral or I feel ambivalent, not many are really bad. Most of these show a story. I feel that these documents, those pieces of paper say more about me than I am able to describe with words. Maybe I'll give a selection to form a narrative:

· MA Transcripts

· Un-filled PhD application form

· PhD thesis proposal

· job centre paraphernalia

· job rejection letters

· Christmas card and 'thank you' letter from intern manager (who is now working with the olympic committee)

· Leisurely pursuits: bbc concerts, ticket stubs, details about rail travel and YHA hotels

· A 'welcome to the events pool' letter.

Today I made an attempt to reschedule the next few days. I had a big anxiety attack last night and this morning, part of that was because of a problem at work, which I hope is now ironed out. A larger part of this is the fact that I have 2 interviews coming up next week, and NO FUCKING INTERNET CONNECTION. I did a long-ass 12 hour shift yesterday, and after work I spent an hour in the library catching up on life, emails and stress.

I made a sketch of how I would try to construct my plan of the next few days without internet. It wasn't easy, and I felt a distinct sense of analysis paralysis. I think that friday fared better. Today I mde a start on prepping for my interview presentation task. I am also foldering which means I have obtained vital documents to show them to prove my identity. There are still lots of things that I need to do, but I can just do the tasks that I have on my plate and worry about the bigger picture later. That works at least for Friday. Being Saturday when I wake up, I'm not sure how that will turn out.

Anxiety is a necessary part of my life, and it seems to be soemthing I both need and hate at the same time. I wish things didn't go wrong to the extent that they do in my life right now, but it could certainly be worse, and I am on the apex of dealing with most of the problems right now. I think that right now, of a Friday night/saturday morning with no internet, I think that I'm sort of dealing with the problems now. Here's to the rest of the weekend and the month to dealing with them. I still have many other problems to iron out, but for now, I'm just going to sort what's on my plate for now. Those folders need -ering.

(end time: 1:43)

Swallow a frog

2012-01-28T12:34:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

It was my first day of work yesterday. I felt anxious about going back, I had a feeling something might go wrong, I'm not sure what that was based upon. Anyway, I am going off to the train station now. I'm trying to sort ouf the next few days. After I got back from the gym after work I was exhausted, I'm not fully sure if I caught up on my sleep and low energy. However the show must go on and I've got to keep going. I've got lots of awkward little following up tasks that I'm uncomfortable with, but they must be done. I heard someone at the garden say a phrase from Samuel Clemens: swallow a frog every morning, its a metaphor for doing something difficult that you don't want to do.

I'm off to swallow a frog.

3 hours later...

2012-01-19T15:54:00.001Z

Captain's log, supplemental (how can I never have started like that in my blog before?!)

3 hours on from 'catching up' with a couple dozen job boards, I've sent 8 applications to mostly agencies. Not bad, you might think. I still have more to do. There are about 3-4 proper applications to finish off, once I've finished them, I'll go to the gym and let off some steam. I'm going to talk about two completely irrelevant things, which I've really wanted to talk about for a long time.

The first thing is that my experience with depression and anxiety, and to some lesser extent, my eating disorder, has given me a bit of a critical insulation from some of the hurt and pain that a few of my friends are going through right now. I see how my friends are experiencing minor crises in their lives and moments of distress, and I have a great amount of sympathy for them. My counsellor from when I was doing my MA used to say that my friends were apprehensive about when I talked about my depression because it made them feel uncomfortable and insecure. I feel almost that my experiences in the past have given me a resilience today, like getting chickenpox early. But, following the metaphor, there are also shingles.

The second related point is that a good friend of mine is telling me essentially that he's got depression. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I don't want him to know about what happened to me. On the other hand, I don't want to sound like an arse. I find this difficult to deal with, not least because it's a problem with masculinity. I don't know how to talk about this with other men, unless they are mental health practitioners or related professionals. I don't know how to sound sympathetic with my friends or family either. There are men in my family circles (not necessarily family but family friends) who have depression issues, again, i don't know how to cope with that, especially when they know me in a certain way. Depression leaves its marks, and it leaves unresolved issues not from what I may be dealing with now, but how I deal with others.

Anyway, back to the grind. I'm glad that I let out that little thought.

and I thought lifting weights was hard

2012-01-19T12:29:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I've gotten the first proper interview invitation in about 2 months, and it comes after I have just gotten proper internet connection. Right now I'm trying to catch up on the next few days, and the previous few days in which I had no internet connection. There's a lot of things to do! I've put a lot (almost all) of my minor tasks in my schedule for today and it is estimated to last until 4:30pm, so basically the next 3 hours. It looks pretty daunting but I have to work at an extreme pace in order to get back on track. Once I'm back on the horse I'll start riding again.

I'm glad that I have internet connection again, I'm not so glad that I have such an intensive pace of work. I guess this is the sort of thing somebody in a real job would have to deal with. I should see this as a test of character. Once I've gotten these minor tasks done, I'll then attempt to do some job applications, and once even that is finished, I might try to get to the gym!

I do kind of miss Christmas and New Years. I know it was a month ago, but some reflection makes me feel that I had such a great time and it was the kind of thing I'll actually remember for years to come. I'm really happy for the experiences, and that revelation, is a sign that I know now that I'm trying to procrastinate in order to get away from these tasks.

Onwards!

The little creeping sounds of the otherwise silent library

2012-01-17T13:01:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I've been away for a few days. I've had no internet connection and things have been simultaneously busy and slow. I've been trying to make things work out despite this little hitch. I'm currently in a local library on their wifi trying to catch up on emails, GReader and making logs of my workouts, walking data, and my weight. I realise how much I'm dependent on cloud computing. It's great to have so many records but its also an inconvenience without an internet connection. Damn you virgin media!

This is the last task that I'm going to set myself while I still have internet, which is to write my log on here. Over the past few nights, I have been reading. I've been reading a bit actually. I've also dug into some audiobooks, Schopenhauer, Gibbon, Peter Singer, Hitchens... I enjoy being mentally engaged. However this is the very thing that I feel upsets me. I was sobbing last night, and I wasn't in a good way towards the later hours. I think the one thing that helps me is that I can pretend that it didn't happen in the next day. Keeping secrets seemed to be the one thing that kept me sane. I've been more tempted to purge than I've ever been in at least the past year.

Lots of things are going on in my mind, lots of things worth mentioning, others which would be better forgotten .I just hope that the internet connection at home gets sorted for one, and for second, once it is set up, I can get back to normal and catch up. I'm feeling increasingly hopeless.

In other news, I'm doing pretty well with my new years targets, which I should just call my weekly resolutions, or my targets. I applied to 8 jobs last week, if it weren't for the internet problem I'd certainly do more. I also did 6 days of training last week, I went to choir practice and I practiced piano. I also experienced anxiety, and read a few essays by Adorno. I am a very unique person, I feel this is the case because nobody else does what I do. Being unique may sound like a nice thing sometimes, but I feel quite isolated. I've been so lonely that I've resolved to texting people as a form of contact. Including my ex.

Anyway, I better wrap up and go home. It's bitterly cold outside. I almost feel like getting a coffee, all french and casual like. Or maybe I'll just trundle home and do some receipts. I've set a few tasks that don't require an internet connection. As soon as I wrote them down, I immediately refuse to do it. I think my plan for today is have lunch, go to the gym for an hour before badminton, and then after badminton get home, relax, play skyrim and hope the internet is back

this post indicates that I really should go to bed now

2012-01-13T03:25:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

It's the 13th of January already?Thinking about this fact makes me miss my friends. I really enjoyed the two or so weeks in which I spent lots of time with a few of them. I enjoy the motivation that I recieved from the intensive training that I recieved by one friend at the gym. I've taken stock of that and kept to my resolution of a minimum of 3 sessions a week. This is actually a conservative estimate, as I did 5 sessions last week. I aim to do 5 this week, if my body would allow it.

Today I applied to 3 jobs. I tried sorting out a laptop problem ,looked at some job boards, and then I got upset. I binged a bit (my fault), and other little things depressed me. One thing is the fact that my employers are getting a bit snooty. They are getting stricter on the working uniform, and they are enforcing a 30 minute pay deduction for a mandatory lunch break for over 6 hour shifts. This isn't so good from the perspective of losing 30 mins pay. A few things have had the potential, and actuality of upsetting me, my laptop's fan breaking down for one. Another is that I could have had a job interview if I just answered the phone 2 days ago. I fucked it up because of my anxiety. I feel really fucking pissed off at that. Private sector bastards.

They say you learn from your mistakes, I say to such people: fuck you. I'm tired of my lack of success, and I have nobody but myself to attribute this to. There are a few positive things to dwell on. I've got a choir rehearsal in a few days, I'm seeing my cousin later today for dinner. I got paid for tutoring and finished marking an essay tonight and I'm also learning to code. Things could certainly be a lot better than they are now, but they could also be worse. It's grey leaning on black. I had a few moments earlier today where mia (the bad one) was influencing me. I didn't purge, but I did play to her manipulations. The dark thoughts are hard to resist sometimes. Especially when one's brain becomes all 'fuzzy'.

My plan is to go to bed (it's bloody late), and then wake up for a Pilates class in the morning, then maybe do some errands, finish my book review to submit (I just need to format it to the house style), maybe some applications and then visit my cousin. The pace of the day is quite straightforward. I wish that I wasn't so mediocre. I'm glad that I've started to learn Javascript. I can upgrade my nerddom a bit more.

Just when the new year felt pretty good

2012-01-09T12:18:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, however I did find that I managed to complete more than previous days. In terms of job applications I've sent two applications for freelance and editorial related roles. One was for a sorta academic publisher, another was for a one-off editor role for someone's manuscript. I started the day by going to the garden. I'm going to admit something a little bit dark, I looked up some of the people on linkdin and facebook just to learn about them. I then found that the girl I sorta had a twinkle for is seeing a guy (story of my life) who I'm guessing is either a junior doctor or med student.I then out of some bizarre curiosity, sought to look for a girl I had a crush on during my sixth form days. Exactly why I wanted to do this I'm hardly sure. I then found that she is seeing a guy, and judging by how many pictures there are of children, she's a mum now, also the guy is at least 40, and she's probably 25/26 now, I guess most people think that's not problematic. I'm really a fucked up voyeur.

So I spent the rest of the day mostly catching up on things. My body isn't aching like shit anymore, which is nice, and I looked at a bit of porn. Upon realising that I couldn't jerk myself off anymore I ended up doing productive things, which is generally the way with me. I reflected upon my targets and on review I have completed the following in the first week of January

8 applications (arguably 6)

5 Training sessions

2 Situations of anxiety

A bit of piano practice

Finished book review book - counts towards reading.

It's not a bad start, for high standards that I've set for myself I would say it's pretty good, exceeding in some goals but not others. I guess that's the reality of life. So now I'm getting on with my day. I almost forgot about what I went on here to post about. Over the past few days my alienware has been experiencing a loudness which I was guessing was in the fan area. I realised that the loudness was in the fan area and then I tried looking up on google and such to sort it out. It was nearly 4am last night and I had a severe anxiety moment. For some reason, my mind went to September 2008, when I was handing in my Dissertation and I was told that I failed an essay.

Reflecting on this is reflection upon the darkest period in my life, the darkest place in my mind. I find it difficult to talk about because it shows everything that I hate about myself, it shows my vulnerabilities and weaknesses in a way that I am deeply ashamed of. Because of my purging, because of my arrogance and because of my obsession to help people like Marie, I fucked up my masters degree and ended up chewed out of university at the time when the world's economies went to shit. I guess since then, I've been trying to get back pieces of my life, and moving on.

I'm reminded of that moment because it defined EVERYTHING, and it still does. I used to be arrogant and rude and daring. That one moment took everything out of me and transformed me into something else. In some ways it made me better, in lots of ways it made me worse. It is a metaphorical punch to the chest, a car crash. Just a messy computer fan would remind me of this and make me regress. When I woke up this morning, I didn't go to the gym. I soberly got out of bed and tried to get the dust out of the fan by using a vacuum, it worked, at least so far it seems to work, but I can't remove the trigger experience, nor can I forget what it reminded me of. I'm still reeling from that punch in the chest. The rest of my life could be defined by how I respond to it. What I do now, right now as I post this blog and go on with my day, defines if I'm affected by what happened those years ago...

Blushing (and other things that happened today)

2012-01-07T17:40:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

The moment when I realised that the holiday is over is when I looked at my bank balance. Shit! I bought quite a lot of things lately, many of which are 'reasonable' expenses, primark trousers, a new pair of earphones, expenses for going out with mates. I don't think there will be any other legitimate expenses that I can make for the time being. I have a lot of job applications to do, and the financial situation is going to get worse before it gets better, since I am going to get >100 for my Febuary payment. Today I woke up late, however to compromise this, I managed to do a pretty intense session at the gym.

I managed to break about 3 records and get 5 different quest achievements on fitocracy, so I had to calculate quite specifically the workout that I wanted. Today I'm off to a family event, we have been preparing for the past hour or so. My friends have invited me out to central london to some club or other, apparently my friend has gotten a guest list name. This is an instance where I would respectfully decline. My friends have been going out virtually every night since new years eve, its ridiculous! Don't they have a job to get back to?? I guess what they do with their annual leave is their own business. With relation to myself, I can't afford, financially and in terms of my time, to go out so much. I'm going to turn them down but pretend I'm interested.Tomorrow I'm helping at the community garden, and then I'll see what I'll catch up with in the afternoon. I say it so often that it's a painful cliche, I need better skill with time management. Right now I'm just about managing.

As I get on with my schedule, I'll inform you what happens with them. Perhaps another thing I might note is that a girl I used to know from my support group is chatting to me a lot lately, we are sharing a lot intellectually. I need to be cautious not to have feelings for her. This girl is trying so hard to be Lou Salome, and she even said I am like Nietzsche. This seems like a highly distasteful analogue, in addition, I shouldn't try to be Nietzsche, because Paul Ree is just around the corner.

Anyway, Off I go.

Let's be positive: I feel really fit and I feel a sense of optimism and self determination which is unprecedented. My friend said that if I keep up this pace of physical activity for another 2 or so months, I'll be irresistable to women! I blushed at that point.

soberiety

2012-01-05T04:42:00.001Z

I observe people but I rarely get involved. I feel very strange about my night out which happened spontaneously as I ended up in a club with some friends. I chose to stay silent and not get too involved in their pick up routines but instead remain supportive and distant. It did make me feel a little left out at times, but it also made me seem accessible for my friends to talk about the other friends who weren't present at the time.

I observed much of them and listened to much of them. One guy motioned that we go to the club, because after losing lots of weight (I've mentioned him before), he thought that he is a different person. This guy insisted on going out and picking up girls, trying his 'routine', keep in mind that this is not really how I've ever known him as a person so this side of him seems completely new and unfamiliar. My friend Greg is trying to be a player.

Most of us observed Greg trying to be a player with girls to varying degrees of failure, we laughed at times at how ridiculous and overly heavy he approached women, but I had to comment that his courage is more than anything I would have done to approach new women, and that deserves some credit.

Greg was jealous of a few other friends who were 'successful' at charming women. One guy did silly tricks like dance like a fool and talk about how he plays so many instruments and showing off about little gimmicky things which are really not core to his personality. I told tony as the objective observer that they were amused by the frivolous artifice, but he should note how different people attract women in a variety of ways, so that he may find his own.

As an observer and a neutral/quiet party I was privvy to the honesties of many friends. One friend was feeling insecure so he drank himself silly, by the end of the night I had to make sure he didn't fall over or throw up in the wrong place. This is a role I've taken before. Another friend drank himself silly and bought rounds of drinks for women he didnt' know (who also happened to gravitate towards him through most of the night) reported to me taht he has sever liver scarring diagnosed recently. Seemingly, drinking stupidly is his way of dealing with it.

I felt comforted in my role as a distant observer, until I felt the need to imagine mia talking to me. I realised this was my cue for feeling insecure in public, so I didn't imagine mia and acknowledged this feeling of anxiety. While I wouldn't say that I was jealous of how my friends were forward with women, I was the only person sober and I did feel I was missing out on being drunk. If I were drunk I would have been more foolish and shouted and talked a lot of bullshit conversation pieces. I felt sort of comfortable by keeping sober among drunks.

My friend Greg is as shy around women as I am, but he is working on his issue. I found it anxiety riddling enough just to be in the club, especially when it wasn't set in Lampe to go there. This should perhaps count as my quota of one spontaneous and anxiety-filled social situation a month, don't you think?

As the observer I realised myself in these people. One guy drank himself silly because he was obviously shy with women and felt nervous. I know how this feels even when I chose to sit with my sobriety and anxiety. Perhaps the thing that gets me most tonight is the fact that one guy said he was upset at a comment i made when he was talking to some women. My friend was being sleazy and these women were seemingly offended by how cheesy his pickup lines were and how disgusting it is. I said to these girls that I apologised for their behaviour and they are being idiots right now. Apparently my comment cut very deep. I replied to his text saying that I was not apologetic, also its not cool to be so rude to women, especially when they are friends of a mutual friend's girlfriend who will hear back from those girls of our behaviour.

In short, staying sober sucks, but I think the guys who ended up drunk had a sucky time too, but even worse because it was drunken. This is a lot of data for me to understand today, I'm essentially telling a story where I played a very little part, but it reminds me of my own flaws.

Listening to KT Tunstall (first normal day of the year )

2012-01-02T10:15:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

This is probably a strange comment to make: I am totally entrhalled right now by the KT Tunstall album 'Eye to the Telescope'. It takes my mind back to the days of 2006, when my anxiety was at its worst. That was 6 years ago now, but in my mind those feelings are never far away. Today is essentially the start of a new year. My body is wrecked, and I have to push a little harder to get to the gym today. Maybe I'll just make it a cardio day. There's a lot to do today, I have lots of expectations of my life, with little results. The solemnity and twee of KT Tunstall really captures my vulnerablity of 2006.

Off to my workout...

A holiday from my mind

2012-01-02T01:05:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

If there is one thing I remember about new years eve parties and getting with my friends, it is the feeling and distinct sense of holiday. I felt a sense of holiday more from my mind and everyday mindset than anything else. This year I suppose, crystallised this feeling in my mind. I could talk about the past few days, I suppose. New Years Day is the after-party-party which is a tradition for a few years now. In addition, I have found a new recent routine of going to the gym early in the morning, My bootylicious goodness has that been a chore, I've been pushing my body to untold limits on a regular bassis since just before Christmas. My friend has nearly reached his 12 days, my other friend is soon going to end his. One of them is going back to Central Europe where he works, and I'll be on my own again.

There is one thing about holidays, and it is that eventually, it ends. My initial reaction is that I couldn't be happier about coming back to my routine, until I actually saw it when I came home. I realised that I'm behind, my other blog wants me to write some summary posts about the new year, as is customary this time of year. I also wanted to write one for this blog, and I think that the oppurtunity is lost now. I'm just too mentally occupied and tired. I am mentally tired and physically tired, but my mind is still ticking in a strange way where I cannot sleep. Maybe I'll talk about the future. I've set targets: tomorrow I'll go training in the morning and aim to complete 5 job application forms (wow that's pretty intense). I then need to read about 60 pages of a book to finish my book review, with the intent to write the book review, and then apply to some more jobs on Tuesday. I have badminton on tuesday and I may think about going to Pilates tomorrow evening. I am putting my body through a regime that is quite extreme, all that needs to change is my diet. Christmas weight has given me a few extra lbs, but not that many. I have a routine whereby I am going to burn off a lot of energy, but luxurious eating is not the way to go for me.

I've commited to a few minor tasks as well: got a hair cut, bought new earphones, got new trousers from gap. I still have some extra gift cards, which will come in handy later on in the year. I used up the uniqlo ones from last year only about 10 days ago. My bicep is hurting from all the training and I have even more to commit to. This January, I have not much work so I can afford maybe to do the gym every morning. I'd like to create a routine, and there is something that excites me about january. I am reminded of this time last year when I first started the gym, and I was a very different body and mind. Who am I now? I feel in my mind that I am on a journey of self-realisation. The journey requires 100 rep sets of crunches, 5x20 russian twists, deadlifting heavier weights, leg pressing my body weight x .5 and pushing my mental and physical limits. Fatigue and pain are my friends, so my training partner says.

If there is one thing I've enjoyed in this holiday of the mind that is Christmas and New Years, it is the joys of fellowship and the unique gifts and talents and personality of my friends. I have them as memories as I venture on with the year on my own. I'll miss them, as they venture out to their own lives and places of work and habitation around the world. I'm the least successful of my friends, but I also feel that I'm the most determined. I think those two facts are related, and one of those facts is subject to change. I've also learned self belief and confidence from those friends, too.

Happy new year.

(I think that was a positive sounding post)

Christmas for other people

2011-12-30T04:10:00.001Z

It's 3am right now. I am not tired but I am overrun by things to do and to think about. I spent the last 3 hours trying to plan my week, with job applications, PhD proposals, two parties and gym every day for the next week. Maybe I'll say what I've done over the past few days:

Thursday: training, a bit of book review reading, falling asleep out of fatigue; planning the next few days

Wednesday: Training, job search, skyrim

Tuesday, First day of my friend's training regime, ended early, met up with some guys for computer game madness

Monday: Boxing day, some family awkwardness

Sunday; Christmas day, visited some family friends, played monopoly until ridiculous o'clock, I got some nice presents as it happens as well.

Now lets talk about other people. I've been an observer this Christmas. I've been thinking about how the year has been for other people around me and not just myself. Two stories come to mind right now.

One is of a family friend, back when I lived in bristol I was tight with this family that lived in a town in somerset. They have two kids, one is nearly the age of my brother, the other nearly the age of my sister. The younger one is seen as a bit of a dullard by other people, but I've always thought the world of him when I was little since he was older (that old one). This fellow has had some hardships over the years, he's been keen on joining the armed forces but keeps getting turned down, one time they said his 'hands were too rough' or that he was 'too short'. Despite this he has always been active and always pushes himself. I admire him as a determined individual although I did see a sense of sadness and isolation in recent years.

Recent gossip from his mother is that he is no longer seeing a girlfriend of over a year, and is now seeing another girl. Now it is a sign of how judgmental my family are and how judgmental his parents are that they emphasise how the girlfriend (whom he is no longer seeing) has children. With that they add how he spends so much money on them, with the implication in their inflection that they do not approve of this, or that these children don't deserve gifts. The other insight from his mother is that his new girlfriend is 17 years old. That immediately invites judgment from people. My mum told my sister's mother in-law this story and she went on in a diatribe about how 17 is too young and how she disapproves. My sister's mother in law is opinionated about many things, she makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

Another observation is from an online friend. I've known her for maybe 6-7 years now. At the time she was severely mentally ill, she held a few jobs but couldn't hold them down for long, and was in and out of the hospital. It's fair to say that her life was pretty shit, she had bipolar disorder and it really wasn't easy for her. As a depressed person myself we used to chat. I used to be a very angry and insensitive person at that time, and I said things that I regret saying to her. I think perhaps she also said things that she regrets, but I hold nothing bad against her. It's fair to say that I did develop feelings for her at some point. After a while of not hearing from her, I built contact with her again. I found out that she turned her life around, she met a new guy, she was doing a foundation degree and she got married.

Carol (so I'll name her) is a really determined person, she's in her 3rd year of med school and will soon enough be a doctor. I really admire how far she has come from hopping between mental hospital beds to being the student doctor, it actually makes me jealous. Carol used to envy me because I could at least control my depression to survive unviersity and I only ended up in hospital once, and in elss worse circumstances than her. All things considered, I didnt have it as hard as she ever did. I'm envious of how well Carol is doing now, med school and marriage is something that would have been a distant dream to anyone in a mental hospital, she really did make it out of there. To contrast, in some ways, my mind is still in that horrible place.

Carol told me that her marriage has ended, her husband said she didn't love her anymore and things had been difficult for a while. I was utterly shocked when I told her and I felt incredibly sad. I know that she's come so far, and then something like that happens. I didn't know what to say to her, but I thought I might say: You'll pull through, I know it. But the thing is I don't know that. I do know that she's been to hell and back. Maybe, this isn't hell, so maybe she could survive this with less difficulty. I did tell her, and I felt horribly cliche at this point, that I was there for her at any time if she wanted to chat or talk about it. I felt disingenous because my feelings for her get in the way, I feel much sympathy and sadness for her, and it reminds me of how I used to be with Marie, I felt that I wanted so badly to save her, to rescue her and make it better.

Face it, man, I can't 'save' her, she has to sort out her own problem. I can't make things better for people, I can't prevent tragedies. I feel this deep need inside me that I want to just make it go away for her. Carol represents so much hope to me, seeing her in this situation scares me deeply. Carol represents recovery, and the hope that someone who was in the bell jar can escape it.

Christmas Eve as a 25 year old

2011-12-24T13:32:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

My hangover has passed. I didn't intend to drink. I didn't foresee that I would drink either. Maybe I'll start today by talking about two related topics. Firstly, on this Christmas Eve of all Christmas Eves, I don't particularly feel happy about everything, nor do I feel overly down. I'm kind of in the middle. There are some good things and some bad things. I'll talk about that later in the section entitled 'sympathy'. What I will talk about now is 'yesterday'.

Yesterday

What did I do yesterday, I did some training with my friend at the gym, then I ate some burger king which was quite evil. However all things considered I only ate twice yesterday. I then did some clearing up. I received my shifts for January, which weren't many, it just barely makes the term shifts as plural. I will have lots of 'off' time in January. Which is fitting considering that November was all busy, December so far has been pretty busy as well. I should expect a big crash just after New Years. Everything is going to wind down and slow up. All the fun stuff is happening now, and then its dead again. That is what really depressed me about New Years past.

I got a text from Antonia to be a model for a massage class, which in turn meant I had a massage. I then found a conflict situation emerging in the class, I tried to talk to the person, and I found myself getting angry. I don't want to go into details but I would have gotten violent, and I realised this ugly hate inside myself and I left the class immediately because I saw a very unattractive part of myself. Feeling upset, I recieved a text from a friend saying that they were planning to go out that night, and I joined them.

We ended up drinking a bottle of scotch together and it was mighty fine, I had a good laugh with those boys and a bit of a cry, I say cry because we were crying with laughter. We then proceeded (I was reluctant) to a bar in Soho, it was nice for a while, I refused to have any more alcohol. I left after about 45 minutes because as I told my friends in terms they could understand 'I wasn't feeling it'. They seemed to have understood this obscure phrase but for me it meant that I felt down, felt tired and my anxiety was reaching its limits. On the way home I had another burger king meal (meal two) and tried to find myself around to get home after the last tube just left. I found myself on Trafalgar square where these two African tourists approached me asking where Charing Cross was. I then pointed literally to my 10 o'clock and told them that was where charing cross was. I then noted that the station would probably be closed by now and asked where they were heading. They said Earls' Court.

I decided just on the spur of the moment that I would help them get home. I walked with them to find a bus stop which would take them home and I was very friendly with them. I showed a side to myself that I forget exists inside of me. I helped them after about 10 minutes find a bus to get to their hotel, they were very appreciative, and I was very happy not only that I could help, but also that I could give a good image of the British public. I felt in some way it gave a very mixed image of who I am especially considering the confrontation earlier. On the bus home I was almost crying, lots of things were hanging on my head and upsetting me. I'm really glad that the night bus ended pretty close to my home. I should keep that in mind in the next instance I ever consider going home from a night out in the West End.

Sympathy

I thought one way to frame my feelings about this festive period of time is to talk about sympathy. This year I've had a very different perspective on the world, and on others compared to other Christmases, except for a couple of days ago when my dad gave me a cash present, I wasn't thinking about how I would personally benefit from xmas presents. I've heard different stories of many other families around me. One family has two male members dealing with (I wouldn't say 'suffering') depression and other related mental health issues. There was a bereavement in their family, and good friends of theirs died. One of them lost their best friend, because he's disabled has his DLA cut, and really has little to no life prospects. The other person in that family has been dealing with depression which is severe enough to affect his performance at work, and he may be dismissed if he's on sick leave for too long. Depression happens in real people, I wear an ushanka, have long hair and a handlebar moustache, I'm not a 'real' person by most stretches of the imagination. I feel sad for them, I appreciate that their life, and their times in general are difficult.

I think Christmas highlights the good and bad things in life. I spared a thought for my ex, while there are some family instabilities, she has a lovely boyfriend now and she treats her well. Good for her, I'm happy that she can have time to be happy and joyous and indulgent. There is another family that I know, who are essentially broken up this year. The father (my uncle) has died, my aunt has gone to Canada to see her new grandson, and my cousin is on her own without them this year. I think of her this year and I will make an effort to visit her. There are other families who have members dealing with illness as well, financial hardships and other kinds of instabilities. There is a couple that I know who had a son the age of my sister who died almost 2 years ago now. My mum visited his grave, apparently there were lots of other people visiting graves today, as they remember the dearly departed. I share a sense of sadness as I think of them. I see the homeless as well who deal with much challenge, it's bitterly cold sometimes and finding housing, tolerance, and employment can be even more frosty than the physical hardships of living rough. There's so much heaviness in the world, I've not even thought about my own life and I can get very upset.

There are good things as well. New life, new loves and relationships. My brother and brother in law's brother have girlfriends who are very devoted and to whom they are very devoted; my friends are facing prospects and achievements in their work and career; for many friends they are going through the best of their lives. If years were a season, I am in the April or May of my youth. 25 is the year where I can be both mature and young. I do feel youth passing me quickly as the heavier things seem to get on my mind. There are a lot of parties, a lot of drinking, a lot of eating, merriment, but what I like the most is the camaraderie and laughter of friends and family. Nothing lifts my soul more than a joke and the brotherhood of my boys (since most of my friends are predominantly male, and we do male things together, like have naked showers and do deadlifts). As Christmas passes and goes, I think of these people and many more who go through this day. I also think about Jesus. How wouldwe think of a married couple, where the mother is carrying the child of another man, where they are desperately poor and so poor that they have to be around horse shit in a stable as that's the only place that is closest to warmth. That would probably sound to a modern audience like an anecdote from Jeremy Kyle. I will add a coda to this blog post, namely an answer to the question: what will you (as in me) be doing for Christmas?

My Christmas.

Today my mum is making a lovely roast. Tomorrow we will be dining well, my brother is coming over. I'm not sure if his girlfriend is coming. I will recieve presents as well as give them. We will eat together, maybe laugh together, remember the past, and maybe hope for the future. I might be on my computer trying to catch up on my job searching and other tasks that I've put off for the past few days. There is a plan to visit a family friend and engage in some christmas karaoke (oh dear). Boxing day will involve a visit to my sister and there is the prospect of getting more gifts, and seeing the family that is joined together by marriage and the shared sense of awkwardness that we are culturally different. We are london grown suburban working class minority ethnic catholics with surrey upper middle class (sometimes i forget the middle is there) skiing white anglicans. I'm not saying that there is tension in the family, far from it by any means. However I do feel on edge with my parents and with myself, especially with their family because I want to be polite and I don't know them very well. Also there is the prospect of more food. There is also the prospect of lots of gym after the 26th. There is New Years Eve, New Years day, and a few days where my friends might still be in town to get together. After around the 5th, things start to get quiet and I'm off work until the 25th. That's when it gets emotionally challenging.

Everything kicks off right now for about 10 days and life feels like a dream, going merrily well. Eventually the boat goes down a waterfall after January and then I'm all alone again. I'm a bit emotionally distant because I'm preparing myself for that. So that's how I feel about Christmas. Maybe if I'm still writing memoirs when I'm 50, I'll write this post again sometime.

2011-12-23T15:30:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

To a limited extent, I have been treating the days recent as any other day. I know however that its not just any other day, it's the lead up to Christmas. My thoughts have been preoccupied and I haven't been as focussed today. I went to the gym today, early as it happens, and did a second consecutive training session. 8 more to go. Yesterday was fairly busy, I had to sort out the problem with the shirt from uniqlo, then tighten my glasses only to find that the problem wasn't fixed (it's probably an issue of a worn out thread of the screw).

This afternoon I was chatting to someone on facebook, a girl from my support group that I run asking for some advice. I advised as best I could. I had a bit of an emotional trigger while chatting to her, and I'd be lying if I didn't say it affected me in a small way. So it's 3pm now, i've been invited to be a 'model' for a bodywork teaching class (long story) and I think I might go and appreciate the 'free' massage while other people watch me. I would quite benefit from a massage right now. There are so many different thigns that I need to do but I'm paying no attention to. I'm not sure if I'm tired or just not bothered.

Yesterday a lot happened in terms of meeting people. Today less so, the coming few days will continue to be busy, so I'm not quite sure if or when I'll get everything done

Cursed virtues

2011-12-21T00:54:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Monday was pretty productive. Tuesday not so much. I did pilates for the first time on Monday and Tuesday I felt exceptionally sore. I was genuinely going to skip it as my quads are worn out. I'm barely able to stand as it is. Tuesday (note that its 00:47 on a wednesday so I can't say 'Today') I caught up with my book reivew and played skyrim for ages. I played a bit of piano and then I got upset. A lot of things are eating away at me right now. The job market, my limited prospects, a low self esteem, bulimia memories, darker memories from the past are resurfacing. I'm remembering when I was 18 and I didnt have many friends at university. I hated how I had all these expectations and it didn't materialise. I just dropped like a lead balloon, and then I popped, like a fart.

I feel like such a loser. I really need to work hard. Maybe objectively speaking, one day this feeling of inadequacy might make me seem sexy and dark (not to say that it may to some women already). I fucking hate this feeling and I cant shake it off. Well, sometimes I can shake it off but only when I'm really active and I'm pushing myself. I feel that's the only way I can let go of this feeling of inadequacy. Maybe that or getting results.There's a lot I miss about purging, at home my mum is nagging my dad, and my dad is just having a throaty cough and doesn't speak in full sentences. There is a lot which is dragging my down mentally and emotionally, they make me feel like I cant be myself. I think that's how my neighbour felt, the one who drank himself silly and died at 33. My great fear is that I don't want to be him. My dad often looks at people on the news or on the telly and ridicules how bad their life is. Why can't my dad say when people show good qualities, why does he always have to think about the bad in people.

It is something all of my friends know as a trait in me, but they don't see it like that: they think 'I'm funny'. It's not funny, when its self-hate and despair.

Tomorrow will be a better day, but today wasn't so bad either.

2011-12-18T00:25:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

A lot of things go through my mind on any given day, and from time to time I get ideas of things that I need to deal wtih, but they happen so spontaneously that I forget to put them down when I'm actually around my computer, or it just passes through my hands like sand and I forget what I was thinking about, usually because other things get in the way. Today was definately an instance of having too much to think about.

I sorted out some loose lightbulbs today, I got a new shovel and worked out how it works (I know how stupid that sounds); I got more presents for xmas, with luck it will be the last of my present buying, except for a bottle of baileys that is obligatory for my friends. I got presents for my dad, my mum, and two potential women who may visit (such as my sister's mother in law, or my brother's girlfriend). Today I sorted out the odd bits that I needed to deal with. I have a gym pass that lasts 12 days for guests, and I am thinking about inviting a couple of friends to train with me over xmas. Both of them said yes, and there is something manly and brotherly about the prospect of training together.

After I got home, I then went out again to finish my errands. If I had more time and money I would have gotten a haircut as well. It's amusing how much I would do because the internet was down this morning and afternoon! Once I got home I was settling in and doing small tasks, I didn't go as far ahead with my tasks as I would have liked, but I did give a CV at a bar and that is a sign that I'm putting myslef out there, and it is a bit of a concession to say: yeah the job market isn't going to get any better, I'll just dig in somewhere to get money for work, because I really need the money and career goes into the shitter. Not that there is anything wrong with bar work, its just something that isn't part of my skill set (namely dealing with people, being happy all the time in appearance).

Tomorrow I plan to help out at the community garden, and then I hope to do some carol singing. It sounds like a plan, if it actually goes through. I also will need to post some letters off.

Lots to do, but I am not 'behind' as such today. It was a pretty good day for the run up to christmas. I know things are shit, but maybe I should allow myself the temporary joy of what Christmas is: a passing few days where the rules of time and my life are temporarily paused in this magical time period where I can revisit childhood again and time stands still in a crystallised and culturally accepted notion with traditions and principles and even the awkward parts are culturally normal, like my brother in law's family who make me feel a little on edge. That's not because I don't like them, they are lovely, but I just don't know them well and sometimes they ask personal questions that I hate.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe that should be my mantra instead of 'onwards!' I also made a 9 day playlist of music, long story, but I like playlists.

on and off time

2011-12-16T23:14:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Today has been lazy, perhaps purposely so, perhaps necessarily so. On an ad nauseam basis, I'm going to go on about 'ooh I've so much to do and so little time'. Well, today I did have time, and I spent it going to the gym, reading for my book review and resting up a little bit (which may have involved a 3 hour wank). It's important for me, it seems, to have time away from everything, in order to do the things where I am 'on'. On time requires 'off' time. At the gym, I am trying to work on some different exercises, I have started using the smith machine, for example, I am also trying to lunge. If I didn't forget my shorts earlier I would have gotten into the sauna.

So I have decided to keep a few days of Xmas and new years free, this will necessitate an upsurge of activity to do before those days to keep those days free (what's the opposite of backlog by the way?). So that's all the stuff going on outside my head, now I'll talk about the stuff going on inside my head.

I'm thinking about purging again. I'm getting these thoughts, it kind of goes something like: do you want to be popular again? do you want to be smart again? do you want success?Its strange, it's not the connection between putting fingers into my mouth and the proposed result of getting success in life that is queer, it's the allure. The allure of being offered something that I deeply want. It reflects a wanting, and it reflects a perceived privation. I wish I had more money, more money improves the quality of life. Perhaps more friends, a social life, success, a life...my life is fucking imploding, I have nothing going for me except my parents' generosity, google calendar and a well heated home. I do appreciate many people don't even have that, but I have so much at my disposal to help me and no results are coming, that makes me a failure. I'm a failure of the deepest kind. Mia knows that. There used to be another female voice and I've come not to see it as mia, but the mia I have come to know before is coming back. Mentally, I'm wearing down. I can't be 'on' all the time, I think that's the moral of the story.

Wilkins and the cleaner

2011-12-15T13:32:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

On a few occaisions this week, now being one of them, I wonder if I am more an observer of people than an active participant. I observed the way that a member of staff at my local gym has been treated, for instance. My friends used to joke about this employee when we play badminton, they used to joke for instance about his high pitched and 'effeminate' voice, and in fairness I did laugh at their impersonation. Earlier this week my friends were joking about how badly he cleans the badminton court.

A colleague of his later came on and cleared up the court for us (with better precision), said colleague informed us that this cleaner whom we have laughed at has learning difficulties. I immediatley stopped laughing and so did my friends. We commited a serious faux pas and it totally changed the way that they looked at him. To me it clicked about how I've encountered him in the past, there was always something different about how he behaved, he seemed at times abrasive and other times had little regonition about male nudity in the showers and continued to clean the changing rooms despite (most cleaners, I suspect, would wait). Maybe I felt sorry for him, or maybe I felt bad about myself but my mood dropped quite a bit when I thought of the guys were laughing at him. As we left the leisure centre some of his colleagues were being unduly horrible to him, its the kind of thing which might be cute work teasing, but in this context it was them being cruel because they can get away with it. That's just not cricket. Seeing relationships like that where people are marginalised really gets to me. I was marginalised once, and to some extent, I still am as an underemployed graduate.

Another thing that I was reminded of, came through one of my favourite artists on twitter mentioned a tour going through a club in bristol that I once went to. I was then reminded of a friend who I used to hang with at the time. I called him Wilkins, it was sort of a reference to world war II movies where some generic british officer with a middle class background was named wilkins. Anyway, Wilkins and I used to hang out a lot. I really liked that he was an older guy and thought that I was cool, I thought that he was really cool, being a PhD student. When I was hospitalised for 'mental health issues', I told wilkins about it, and he said to me in honest terms: you know what you did was stupid. Wilkins gave it to me honestly and I liked that about him. After a while, my glaringly worshipful vision of him diminished and I saw him as a real person, and I also saw what attracted me to him. Wilkins was insecure just like me, Wilkins once had a psychotic experience which led to him being hospitalised for a few months. Wilks didn't really know how the episode started, and he told me that a lot of his life at this time he has very little memory except for what other people told him what happened.

Wilkins dropped out of his PhD after a while, and he didn't even leave a trace. That's the thing about friends you make at university: you assume you see them all the time and when you don't, nobody bothers to follow it up. Friends were transient except for the good few. I heard rumours about him. I heard he left his course due to 'health reasons'. I heard also that he joined some kind of IT company as a software engineer or some kind of role. The last time I saw him was during the 'limbo year' after my MA graduation, I wasn't really keen on seeing people from my student days (due to my embarrassment of what happened) and I just passed him on the street. I wasn't sure if it was him, and ifi t was him I wasn't sure to make eye contact. As I passed him he said in a muted voice, very much different to the voice I knew of his: "Hello Conatus", and we walked on. That was the last I ever heard of him. As I understand he dropped out of facebook and like so many people who used to be close to me, dropped out of existence.

I'm not sure why I am remembering this, maybe because I just saw that club name in passing, and remembered that time we had, and then remembered him. I didn't have many friends at university, and the ones I did mostly disappeared from contact. As an observer, I sure focus on the dark stuff, I guess because the happy stories aren't unique.

2011-12-14T15:24:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

There are things which are eating away at me. My job situation for one. It's over 2 years now since I've 'graduated' and I've still not found a proper job. I was thinking about handing my CV to a bar this wee, the hours might be good and regular. What is really eating away at me is the hopelessness of my job situation. It's something so personal and embarrassing that few other people really know or understand how much it damages me. I hate how I can't find work. I'm trying, but as time goes on my effort and determination falter because I feel increasingly without hope.

My motivation is pretty low today, but all things considered, I am getting ahead of my timetable. I have less busy days after tonight. For better and worse, I will have more 'free' time for the coming few weeks. I realise that things are really shit for other people, and I realise that i dwell too much on myself in this blog. What really gets me down is the following thought: If I can't get it together and make it work, what hope do other people have? That's an open thought, maybe they can get it together better than I can, or maybe they can't, and if that's the case, they are royally screwed.

I think to myself when I feel down that if I eat something I'll feel better (I'm not regularly eating very much), sometimes it helps, other times it does not. My instinct tells me that I need to purge.

At least I have my health

2011-12-14T12:59:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I blog on here normally when I either have too much to do, or when I'm trying to avoid things, or when I'm filling with thoughts that I need to let go. I feel pretty deflated. I woke up pretty late, mainly because I'm feeling depressed. As I got up I noticed lots of rejection emails. One fora PhD, one for the graduate scheme, and another for an editorial job. Those are all of my cards out of the hand. I'm upset about it. I feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like an ball shaped thing of bitterness. I fucked it. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do now. I just feel like staring into the screen. I've mentioned in previous posts about how at any given time I can emphasise the good stuff more than the bad, and more likely, the bad stuff over the good. I'm just trying to think of good things or 'not-bad' things right now. I can certainly think of a lot of negative things right now. I guess I could get on with my day. Today I have a few hours to catch up before I start getting ready for work. Apparently its a shorter shift than before. I feel like saying to myself: "This is the worst Christmas ever". There's so much shit that I have to deal with, deaths in the family and the wdier community; my fucking shit job prospects and semi-employment; being broke all the time; not having enough cash to get presents; being overdrawn and perhaps worst of all, the memories that come around this time. My bulimia was pretty bad 4 years ago, 3 years ago my PhD (probably to this day) application got rejected - happy anniversary. 5 years ago I was dealing with the whole 'incarceration' thing. 6 Years ago my anxiety was fucking me over. I guess last year wasn't so bad. At least I have my health. I could go training for the next few days and work on my physique.

2011-12-13T00:08:00.001Z

It's awfully cold outside today, and its raining and windy. I feel exceptionally bad about anyone who has to sleep outside rough tonight, or lives in dwellings which do not protect them well from the elements. I fell asleep between around 7pm to 11:30. I have no justification for being so priviledged in a warm home. I'm going to attempt to get stuff done tonight. I feel horrible.

2011-12-12T13:33:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I don't feel like doing anything today. I'm feeling quite listless, not quite worn down, not quite tired, but I am sore and my mind can't concentrate. I'm going to take it just a little slower today. Give me a chance to get back to normal.

acting (amphiboly)

2011-12-12T01:06:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Narratives are hard to make. Some narratives oversimplify, others make an account more comfortable to accept, perhaps by massaging or erasing certain facts. Lately I've been eating like a pig. On the other hand I've also been around lots of people. I had a horrible anxiety spike and feeling of social discomfort at work on Thursday because one colleague was bitching about our boss, and then a peace offering was made from the management to us (a couple of bottles of wine). What then happened was that something went wrong with a guest and I feel the relationship between management and the grunts (us working the shift) fell apart again. The olive branch dropped. I had a really uncomfortable nightmare on the Friday morning, so uncomfortable that it felt so real that the feelings that went through my head affected how I felt about myself.

Interpreting dreams is tough. I have a hard scientific mind and I don't think necessarily that there's some Freudian shit going on or that dreams can always make consistent sense. However, dreams I feel do process emotions and thoughts, some of which consist of things I may not be aware of. One time for instance I had a dream which revealed that I had on a very minor level, feelings about a girl that I knew (who happens to be a budding academic at Oxford, she probably doesn't remember me anymore but I wish her well and remember her fondly).

One thing I miss is romantic closeness with another human being. I hate the idea of dating, dating is like a job interview. Job interviews basically scan for suitable candidates given a closed and limited picture of what you can see of the candidate. Interviews which ask the right questions may hit hard at the issues that really need to be asked and can be good indicators. On the other hand, interviews don't show everything about a person, unless they are really technical kinds of interviews and use psychometric shit or subject specific competencies.

I wish I could tell you about some of the contents of my day. But I think I'll leave it to stay anonymous and unimportant as a blog, but lets just say that I ended up bumping into someone famous and influential in an amusing way. It's going to be part of my dinner party repartee when I am a lovely and interesting raconteur. HA! (sarcastic tone of disapproval)

I don't really have anybody to talk to, and even though I'm charming several women on unexpected or spurious occaisions, what I really miss is having somebody who knows who I am. Even the voice in my head doesn't know who I am anymore. Perhaps that's worrying. I think that I'm realising a sense of who I am through acting and performing, compared to introspecting and quiet distance. The exercise analogy comes into play here: I am making the person that I want to be. As (I think it was) Feuerbach said once: you are what you eat. This weekend I've been around people, commiting to hobbies and activities. Maybe this is a new side of me, maybe this is a part of my personality which can grow, a part of my personality which explores the shades of my anxiety as well.

I better head off to bed. I don't have a music playlist to run anymore. I've said ad nauseam how I am behind on my schedule, how I've eaten overindulgently and how I've been low on sleep. Maybe I should do less reflecting and more acting. Also, if anyone wants to reply to the fact that I've been blogging a lot lately, that may be true for today, but I've not had a chance to think or reflect properly, since at least Thursday. Tomorrow is 'back' to normal. I'm going to expect to hear that my civil service exam has not been successful and I'll return back to square one. How depressing, and yet, how delightfully familiar.

Good night

lesson from a dead relative

2011-12-11T16:30:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

There are things that eat at me. Little things. My dad has annoying mannerisms, my brother has mood issues from time to time that make me feel very uncomfortable, my family pretends that my suicide attempt never happened and my recently departed uncle used to have very racist views. Towards the end of his life, my uncle stopped going on about how he thought youths should be shot and how hanging should be brought back. My uncle used to say that people were too soft on criminals and the government was too soft on immigrants (ignoring the fact that my family could have been asylum seekers were we not expelled from a former British colony). There is something disingenuous about mentioning my dead uncle's racism and extreme right views, as if they still matter compared to the other aspects about the life he lived (such as being a devoted husband and father). My uncle had a redeeming quality, in his later years he got very ill and stopped speaking his mind. My uncle had a realisation that his generation is in the back seat and his kids are the ones in control of things now.

Taking a back seat when you were once the prima donna can be a very hard lesson. Learning that you aren't the numero uno or the leader is something that can be highly damaging to one's self concept, and highly embarrassing if one doesn't internalise it. I have a friend who is always trying to be the leader, but fails all the time.My uncle didn't want to ruffle any feathers and he had more important priorities (living well while ill) and eventually the diatribes he used to go through just stopped. Christmas is usually a happy time for a lot of people. For others who are also legion, it is a hard time. Money is tight to come by (I'm seriously overdrawn right now), families have their issues put under a magnifying glass (losing my uncle is a pretty big deal for my dad and the rest of the family, and it is something which is prominent on my thoughts too). Relationships other than family can come into play, colleagues, friends, lovers and so on. There's a lot going on for people and I have a lot of sympathy for those going through hardships.

The choir singing tonight is for fundraising. I could help make money for charity. I would be doing something conscientious. Working at the communal garden also makes me have a feel-good sense of charity as well. I suppose it's something small that I can help with, and I emphasise small. I also think that there is something to learn from my uncle, that some things you need to just let go of, sometimes holding a candle for someone gets wax all over your hands. Maybe I was really tired yesterday but I did have some pretty dark thoughts during my period of delerium.

enduring fatigue

2011-12-11T16:10:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I'm pretty tired at the moment. Lots of things are going on and my energy levels are limited. I went airsofting yesterday, it was great and I had a great time. There were moments however when I had extreme fatigue and needed to go to the safe zone for a break. I chose to leave, and then bail out for half of one game and take a breather at the other. I think I might ask for a blood test to see if I have diabetes (at the recommendation of a friend). I don't feel perhaps that there was anything anomalous about getting especially tired when I was running and screaming and rolling about. I'm still feeling the fatigue right now.

There was a plan to go and see the boys after airsofting and have dinner together. I was too tired and slept in at home. After 4 or so hours of sleep I woke up and I was awake up to 4-5am. I woke up around 10am and my period of disorientation was slowly returning to normality. I decided to ignore my schedule for this morning and afternoon and instead go for lunch at a cafe with friends from yesterday. I then watched some videos from last night and we had a bit of a laugh. I've come back home, tidied up a little and had a shower (long overdue). There is a choir meeting later today and I'm uncertain as to whether I should go. On the one hand I'm really tired, on the other I can make new friends, have a bit of fun and maybe work on my anxiety (as well as my physical fatigue). As a final balancing point I don't know if we are doing SATB or Treble/Descant.

There are a lot of things that I could meditate on right now, most of them are basically thoughts to the effect of: I have so much to do! I would love to play skyrim all night. I would also like to make up for my mistakes in life, I would like to try and get my life back. I would like to meet new people. Lots of thoughts are rolling through my head and I would like to have time to process them emotionally and deal with them as vignette blog posts. However time is against me. Maybe if I keep pushing myself on a regular basis I'll eventually start to feel better and my fitness will improve. So long as I start eating properly. I've had a lot of junk in me. Earlier in the week one of my colleagues was eating a box of salad inside a Carte D'Or ice cream box, the irony was interesting, and I just thought how skinny she was and the salad eating corroborated that fact. I on the other hand ate a massive packet of crisps, and then another.

Onwards

Blogcrastination

2011-12-08T11:35:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I think I am well beyond my denial about the fact that the cold times are here, that is to say, I've very much embraced this fact. My pattern has changed since I've stopped counselling. I think this is more because of my activity levels than because of the counselling. My hands are getting cold so I have put on some gloves. I have about 5 hours left today in which to get my tasks completed. I have a lot to catch up on. Tomorrow I will be mostly thinking about airsofting and so it will not be prominent on my mind to catch up. Today I'm working in the evening, and I'll be back home probably by midnight. Last week when I had the long shift I thought to myself: After today it's going to be clear sailing. How wrong I was! I haven't played skyrim in a couple of days and if anything, I've lost interest a bit in the game now, so I am working more in the real world than the world where I have dragon armour.

My mum is nagging my dad today, I know that's nothing particularly new, but when I hear that nagging voice of hers in that tone it really drains me. On the way home I was thinking something very fucked up: I was thinking about the things I liked about when I purged. In a way I miss those days. I miss having emotional support and the feeling that somebody cares and understands. I think I am either visualising mia as a person, or am putting what I felt about Marie into my mind. I have to say that these are largely small thoughts. I've mainly been thinking about other things, I've been concentrating on my work I am a busy bee today, I'll have to be a thoughtless slave for a few hours, then I'm off to work. Tomorrow will provide some respite, I suppose. I haven't been to the gym at all this week. My shoulder was giving me some issues, and I dont think I should go tomorrow if on pain of invoking a reoccurence. Maybe I'll just do cardio instead. Now to get back to work...

I'm so behind (week 3 without counselling)

2011-12-06T16:47:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

On some reflection, I think that I have exhibited an extraordinary amount of behaviour over the past few days. Here's a summary:

Yesterday: Major grad scheme interview/assessment, I got home by around 3:30. I felt pretty physically and emotionally spent by the time I got home. I spent the rest of the evening playing skyrim and messing around
Sunday: I went to a choir rehearsal (for a new choir) and helped at a communal garden. I also did some final prep for the interview
The day before then (Saturday) I was doing the hardest part of prepping for that assessment, reading about 200 or so pages and then I also did some training in the morning

So why do I feel so lazy today? I got up around 10, had breakfast and settled in by 11:30. I then spent about 4 hours marking an essay, and for the past hour I have been tidying little things up and chatting to a friend I feel lazy, I feel that I've not done enough. I'll go out of the house to play some badminton in a moment, and maybe I'll go to the community group meeting to say hi and see what is going on, or I may not do that. I'm working tomorrow (late evening shift) and the day after that is the same kind of shift. I've decided to airsoft on Saturday, so that's going to be fun and rigorous. I'm tired, physically I've done a lot over the past few days and I had only last night and a late morning as respite. I shouldn't complain in the sense that I am getting on with things slightly. I am typically behind on my routine.

I just realised that its the third week since I've ended counselling. I think in perspective, in balance, I've been super busy. Super active. There's a part of me that still feels like my life is empty and that I'm a loser. I talked to another Pretty Girl at the interview yesterday. PG was interested and seemingly amused at my use of the term "von Neumann archicecture" (that's a computer thing despite the word archictecture). I had a bit of a chemical response with her and I started feeling stupid. I refer to this as a physical reaction to women that I like, or that seem to like me. Anyway, I tried to clear that from my mind and started feeling miserable for a couple of hours, then I had some chocolate and cheered up. Monday night was fairly quiet overall.

I realise there's much to do, many jobs, many PhDs and I think this is probably exaclty what I said last week after my long-ass shift. I hope that I can get ahead of my schedule. I'm setting a lot for myself lately, and I'm so easily inclined to just forget about everything. I could give myself a break and say that of today I've done the following: marked an essay, earned enough money to pay for my airsoft place on saturday, I've received some gear from amazon and I'm off to badminton, that's 4 items. I could do some job searching when I get back, if I really push hard I could apply to a vacancy today.

The job situation is really shitty and sucky, but I am trying to be enterprising and active. I'm thinking about getting involved with that local community group, this new choir, meeting up with my friends, freelance tutoring and writing as well as working part time. Oh, and I'm trying to keep fit through badminton and weight training. Talking of fitness, my shoulder is straining me right now, but I won't let that stop me from playing relaxed badminton, stress on the word relax.

6 minutes to blog

2011-12-04T17:46:00.001Z

Dear Diary, I've started this blog post at 1739. I intend to leave the house by 1745. Let me tell you about my day.

I woke up and got out of bed, as is the tradition, and I prepped some gear to do some gardening. I went there with the impression that its totally new to me and to some extent that is true. I then remembered my ex with her compost heap. Lets say that either I wasn't new to what they were doing, or that my past experiences were transferrable

FUCK -i've run out of time. Let me just say the following things:

I had a great time gardening
I had a hand cramp
I'm going to a choir rehearsal
I love being around people
i love heavy lifting
I feel really tired
I feel ready-ish for the long day tomorrow
I've done so much today and thought and felt so much
I talked to a cute girl today, well a few cute women, but this one lady I felt a connection. I think anyone who shows an interest in the 18thC is gold is sexy to me

I fight demons not just on skyrim

2011-12-03T23:20:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I have had quite a long day. In a sense its the kind of day which I haven't had in a very long time. I was cramming. I have the assessment on monday. I am on good route to hopefully have finished the cramming by monday, or better still, Sunday evening. The plan is this for tomorrow: wake up, meet community group and get my hands mucky; go home and revise; do some further revision and last minute steps before the assessment; buy chocolate; go to a choir rehearsal; go home, sleep.

"Wait a minute", you might be thinking, "choir rehearsal?". I saw a notice about it among university alumni links and I thought I might give it a go. I haven't sung properly in a long while, and I thought I might give it a go. All of today I have been thinking that this plan for sunday would be a good idea, it sounds perfect. Meet people, relax, prepare for the assessment but feel comfort in the fact that I've been cramming loads for the past week (and in fairness, I have done a fair bit). I have started watching a tv series lately, it's called 'Life's Too Short', its with Ricky Gervais and it has a masterful appropriation of the unwilling loser. Warrick Davis' character tries to give this perspective that everything is going to be alright and going to a greater plan that things will end up well, and then it goes all Del-Boy (as in Only Fools and Horses) and fucks up.I can totally relate to that feeling. I've had in many occaisions wanted things to go well and had optimism about maybe a party, or my life, or a day plan, and something doesn't quite work out to go so well and it crashes. I sincerely hope that that doesn't happen tomorrow. I feel it will though. Maybe I get overboard and commit to a faux pas when gardening, or I am the only non-white person there at the choir (very likely) which makes me feel odd and insecure and a token 'ethnic'. Or, I'm reminded of how much of an outcast I was back in the uni days.

A really pessimistic part of my mind often comes up in instances like this. "You are trying to cling on to a nostalgic notion of the past that you didn't have", or "these people didn't accept you as an undergraduate". I'm starting to realise, through its difference, how my mind used to function in the past. Facebook told me that it was Marie's birthday today. It was a lifetime ago (4 years) when I bought all of those presents for her birthday. I had these brown levi's cords that broke at the zipper on the way home. Marie kissed me on the cheek several times and that feeling of intimacy that I had with her was so intense.

There is a dark side to my mind. A part of my mind that believed in what she said about me, a dark side that believed that she cared about me to such a degree that I would suspend my perception of reality about everything else. I said happy birthday to her, I kept angstily debating it to myself for the better part of 2 mintues and I thought: fuck it, just say happy birthday. I was then thinking about whether she would reply to me on facebook, and I realised how that mindset of waiting and longing for any attention from her was destructive, so I closed the window and got on with revision. I've been reading about research methods. I now know about the things that intimidated me during that open day. I had a Neo-from-the-matrix moment (I know elementary quantitative analysis techniques).

I find it interesting how easy it is to seep back into old mindsets. If there is anything about today, it is the reminder of how powerful old mindsets are. I have been many people, many mindsets, and in a way they are all still inside me. The thing about the 'me' of the present, is that I've responded to all of those powerful mindsets in different ways. Some of them have insights which are valuable, they can also be short-sighted in others. Some remind me of things that I could work on as a person, others remind me of how far I have come. Today I've bought a few things for an excursion next week that I may be going to, plus a present for xmas for my nephew. I also went to the gym and did some reasonably vigorous weights. I think I might make a habit of short and punchy training sessions. I like the idea of going there, busting my abs, arms and legs, then going. Maybe with the additional cardio, such as today where I attempted to do a mile in under 7 mins. I still have a lot of work to do in that regard. My heart was really burning in that instance today.

When I look at beautiful women, or beautiful men, I'm reminded of how I am still the nerd. I'm still the ugly duckling, and I feel like maybe that story that one day I could also be a swan isn't actually true. Lots of things go on in my mind during training, sometimes I don't think of anything at all except counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ... for my reps. I've been in contact with my parents quite a bit today, and a friend who came to visit who is a tradesman and advised my dad on a project of his. I've also read a fuckload. I then played some skyrim but after a few hours I lost motivation and started watching some videos instead. So tomorrow is planned. Tomorrow is the day before the crunch day. I've planned to make it relaxing, vigorous, social and crammy. I've set a lot for myself. Perhaps too much. I wonder who I am as a person, especially how others perceive me. I'm so vulnerable to what people think of me: job interviews, potential dates, new friends and so on. I really don't have any control anymore. Not over my narrative, not over myself, I'm not even sure if my weight loss is on track.

I think its good that I'm training still, I think that I've been determined in a way that I've not been for other jobs in prepping for this assessment. I'm also showing an enterprising side of myself that I'm joining in with these other activities, gardening, choir and so forth. Maybe I am someone among these other people. Maybe I am an identifiable person. How do I define myself? I don't really know. There have been so many selves that is the thing that makes such analysis problematic. The other problem is that there are so many negative demons just ready to pounce, i fear it may come at any moment. I'm not only vulnerable to other people's judgments, I'm especially vulnerable to my own. I find something somewhat and strangely powerful about this acceptance of vulnerability. I feel like after a very long time, I'm making my own oppurtunities, I'm making my own life path, and perhaps moreover, I'm answering to those darkest questions I refuse to answer: what are you doing with your life?

Out with the old...

2011-12-01T16:21:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I have lots of dress shirts with epaulettes. It is a high street look, I found lots of these shirts in Primark and Next. It's a big douchebag to wear now, and being mid-20s I need to dress more my age. Seeing those shirts in my wardrobe remind me of uncomfortable memories. In a way I'm getting rid of them in not just a symbolic way, but a literal way. I'm filling up the clothes bag for the NSPCC. I used to hate giving stuff away to the charity shop. When I was little I got really attached to my toys and when my mum gave them away to less well off relatives, or to the charity shop I felt really upset about it.

There is something a bit odd about seeing my old clothes and things being worn by relatives when I go 'back home'. My philosophy is all about having as little as possible that I actually need, except when it comes to books. I know its not spring, but I do want to clear up my wardrobe. It will get rid of my 'fat' clothes. I had a binge after I got back from the gym. If I don't eat anything else today it should be 'okay'. This can be my 'cheat' for today. There's quite a bit on the menu but I feel very tired to deal with it all. I can do some reading (for assessment) while I'm in bed, I suppose. I'll apply to one more job (that will make 2) and that will make a 6-item day. I've trained, prepped for assessment day, sent two applications (well, I will), did a job search and looked at some prospective graduate degrees.

It's 'out with the old' with my wardrobe and some shadier issues I had in my past. Can it be 'in with the new?' I really pushed myself quite hard at the gym today, even though it was only a 40 minute session. I have jacked up the weights and aiming for intensity. I think this is the most productive day I've had in a fortnight.

Thinking about Triggers

2011-11-30T13:33:00.001Z

Last week I was working at an event where one of the managers had more than a superficial resemblance to someone who upset me a while back. This is the essence of what a trigger is. A trigger is an experience where similarities with a past experience remind you of the painful nature of said past experience. I think it gets easier to have a trigger and then get on with it. I think. It's not easy to go around avoiding triggers because you will think: 'what am I avoiding?' and then BANG. That doesn't even avoid actual triggers, that's an avoidance-of-trigger trigger.

I don't get trigger experiences that much these days. In a way, when they do happen its quite eccentric, its quite an unusual and rare occurence and in a little way its a novelty (not fun though). I think its important to face those triggers, look into the barrel of the gun and then, click bang. I'm feeling quite tired today, I had a bit of a hard time emotionally at work over the past week. I've only got about 3 shifts for the rest of the year, so I'm going to be less busy, I'm going to have more 'free' time. I might as well use it. I think that I'm going to take today slowly, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be lazy but it does mean that I'll not be so hard on myself. Maybe I'll do the gym today. I couldn't do badminton last night because of work finishing late.

Day of General Strike (listening to Johnny Cash)

2011-11-30T11:45:00.001Z

Good morning,

Today is the first time I've gotten out of bed 'late' in a long time, perhaps weeks. I'm not beating myself up about it, I was working pretty for a long time yesterday, I didn't even get to play Skyrim (note to self: don't play skyrim yet). Today is a general strike with predominantly public sector workers. According to the news, this is the biggest strike action for a generation. I wonder who will be our Bob Dylan and Herbert Marcuse of our generation? Billy Bragg and Slavoj Zizek? That zizucks.

As an historical document, I will tell you that I plan to do what many people are trying to do on this day: find work. I got a call yesterday from a recruitment consultant, which I'll follow up. In addition I will try to get on with my timetable, there are lots of applications, lots of MA's and PhDs to think about applying to. I've got lots of petty administration jobs to think about applying to as well. My life isn't going very well, but I need to get up out of bed and keep trying all the same. Killing myself or laying in bed; sleeping until 5pm and then just damning the world for getting up too late; spending only evenings out of bed mainly because I need to have a shit and eat; going outside only for a chinese takeaway, are not viable options for me anymore. I need to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

I was reminded of picking up the pieces as a metaphor, when people at work were talking about New Years. After Christmas and New Years, there is a period where you can still keep xmas decorations, but you will have to take them down at some point. That time of year really depresses me. It reminds me of when I slept with my girlfriend, and I had to go back to my flat, or she had to go back to her home. I hate saying goodbye when I am too fond of something, it makes absence all the more painful. That's what picking up the pieces means to me, it ain't fun, it ain't glamorous, but you have to do it. You have to say goodbye sometimes, you have to tidy up, you have to move on.

Life is pretty shit for me. There are lots of opinions out there today about the strike. People hate that there is a strike, others say that public sectors have it too good. I have a banker friend who supports the public sector strike (unusual, but also surprisingly noble). The funny thing is about where I work, I'm stuck between the true of evil according to some newspapers, as well as the ordinary proletarian folk.

I don't know what will happen in the future. My future is not up to me, when so much hangs on the current government. I can try applying for jobs and such, but they determine the superstructure. I'm powerless (oh, why did I have to end the post on a depressing note?) I'm going to cheer myself up with bacon now.

What I see from other people

2011-11-29T21:35:00.001Z

I have a colleague who is the same rank as me, but acts like the boss. This person is so bossy but few people bother to call her out on it and we just let her get away with it. Sometimes her arrogance gets the better of her, she pretends to know something and I like getting her in a corner in those situations and correcting her, and it becomes apparent to me that she was just guessing about various things (work related and not). I think a couple of things stick to my mind when I think of her: she's a catholic, and there is something very familiar about Catholics (growing up as one), in addition she said that her daughter earns around 60-70k. That really floored me, especially because she says that that is the 'normal salary'. It's clear that I don't live in her world. She's also a bit racist.

Lots of things made me uncomfortable today at work, but I think that all in all, I've survived and patiently endured. I've stacked on some calories as I got home. My mum is complaining about my weight. My mum is complaining that I'M LOSING TOO MUCH WEIGHT. My mum complains that my dad is too lazy (and to her credit, he is). My dad's sloth is a darkness in my family, he's obese. My dad has never talked to my sister. There is some family issue going on that I am not allowed to talk about, not because I was told not to, but because it seems like some kind of social rule, no one talks about it, about what happened, about why this happens.It leaves a shadow in my mind, in my family, a shadow that I cannot begin to describe how it feels. It's a shadow because its an object I cant identify, but all I can identify is that it is there.

By the way, this is week two without counselling. What did I do today? I worked an 11 hour shift at work, I'm back home by around 9:20. It wouldn't be unreasonable if I just went to bed now and slept until tomorrow. I felt pretty worn down throughout the day, after around 5pm, my knees are really hurting, and my back is giving me some pain. I think its from overuse.

Wagner playing for 4 hours is doing my head in...

2011-11-28T13:56:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 7am and I got straight on with my day from around 8-ish. I've been catching up with a week of blogs and other rss feeds. I've also sent an enquiry to join an alumni choir. I thought it might be a neat idea if I joined a choir and got involved with some music, or another activity. I might get to meet new people, maybe make friends, maybe not. I've been thinking about skyrim all day, I feel like just playing it all afternoon. I've been good today, at least so far. Today feels painfully long, but if I'm counting my positives I can say that I've been catching up, setting a plan for the next couple of weeks and trying to execute said plan. I feel really low motivation, and I've taken about 5-10 minute breaks every hour or so. I feel almost like going for a walk, or going to the gym, or some kind of distraction from what I actually have to work on.

There are lots of things that I've set for myself, PhD applications, job searching, reading, writing, preparing for graduate scheme assessment, and all I want to do is just lay down. It's fair to say that I'm feeling anxious right now. Last night Antonia called me, I told her politely that she knows the rule: no calls after 10:30pm. Only special people break that rule, she's not special. I got a little bit thrown emotionally by talking to her. Anyway today I've been looking at all kinds of things. I've found a call for book proposals, and I've thought about applying, but then I saw that they are looking for an editor. I thought to myself: hmm, I could do that, so instead I've set a time to apply as an editor to this publisher.

In a way I'm the good kind of busy. Maybe if I just endure this level of activity for a few more hours, I can then relax. It's 2pm now, maybe I'll go until 5pm? This feels really hard right now. I have to keep in mind that after tomorrow (Weds onwards), I will have more free time to get back on with my schedule. I took saturday off to meet some friends, and sunday was at a slightly leisurely pace. I did some tutoring last night, that's two tutoring jobs this week. I like the feeling of earning money. I just need to do it more. I think that currently I have 2-3 sources of income, but they are so low. It's pragmatic to take a portfolio approach, considering how hard jobs are to get these days.

On that note, I need to get back. Maybe I'll stop playing Wagner's Sigfried right now, it is draining my life force.

Listening to an Audiobook of Stephen fry (which is not related to the body of this post)

2011-11-23T15:58:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

December shifts are in, only 3 this month (to put it into context of how little that is, I have 3 this week). Everything changes, and so does income it seems. This prosperity of work has been appreciated, especially considering how tight next month is going to be. Rememer: November is funded by october's wages. December is funded by November, December funds January. I'm going to be very tight on January, but I have to be tight now to save more. Fuck.

At least I'll have more time for gym and applying to jobs. I'm really behind on Google Reader and my schedule due to work. I think its fair to say that I'm slower partly because of work. I've said that feeling down has hurt me a bit lately, but my mood is better now, at least slightly. This news of december shifts has come at a downer. I dont think I'll be having much time for leisurely pursuits for a while..

Life after counselling

2011-11-23T13:46:00.001Z

It's fair to say i've been busy, not my busiest, but busy. It's also fair to say I've been lazy, not my laziest ...welll maybe it is, were it not for also keeping active.

I've been obsessed with a game: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. As many other single men under the age of about 30 are. I won't talk about that, but it's so fun to play and it helps me warm down after a long day. In addition, it counts as downtime which I rarely allow myself to have. I run an audiobook while I play, which makes my time semi-productive. I think that I should combine audiobooks and games more often.

I've been preparing for a graduate assessment day. I've been slowly applying to jobs, I could I should apply to more. I've also been busy at work, crazily busy. It's almost as if I'm working full time. If I think its busy now, when I eventually start full time, I wonder how I will cope. In addition to this, I've been thinking about the extra money I'll have (meagre as it is) now that I've finished counselling. I think that I'll keep up with the gym (there's no question about that), and I'll also get more into badminton. I bought a raquet yesterday, I also bought a headband and a new base layer.

I've been keeping an eye on my diet. I'll be honest: I've had McDonalds 3 times this week. There was a voucher deal on the metro last week and I've totally rinsed it out. I have, despite the Mcdonalds, not gained any weight (yet). My mum has made comments which is making her suspicious about my weight loss. It's ironic actually, when I have an eating disorder, they all think that I'm exercising. When I'm exercising, they think there's something unhealthy going on. I have lots of issues with my parents.

One thing I've learned in counselling is that I often like to downplay certain issues, and the fact that I try to downplay it and frame issues in a specific way indicate something more going on underneath than I realise. I also noticed that I talk too much about myself in this blog. Lately I feel a bit of change in my personality. I feel lots of nice things about my colleagues, a few make me laugh, a few make me smile. I'm really getting on with, and establishing a rapport with them. I've learned many things about my colleagues:

One is also Indian-African (I have Indian-African ancestry), and she loves classical music, her husband is a concert pianist. If she weren't 60 years old and unattractive, or married...I totally would.
Another colleague is really cute, she's also an ex postgrad and really perky.
Another colleague I think I'm flirting with. I have an involuntary chemical sensation in my brain that feels pleasurable and giddy when I am around her. I think that means I like her. Will I do anything about it? No, it's work. Also, she saw me on OKCupid which is *highly* embarrassing (honesty is painful)

I will try to change myself in a few ways. I'm going to write about other people in my blog diary. I'm going to write about people that I care about, that I like, that I don't like. I'm going to try and not write so much about myself. I think that's my problem sometimes. I'm too self involved. So, how's life after counselling? So far, not bad. I'm trying to get involved with life, to put something into it, and ultimately, what I get out ( a sense of satisfaction, joy and the delight of congress with others) will show itself.

This is a procrastinating blog post. I need to get back to my job hhunt now!

Take a breather....now get back to work

2011-11-21T13:25:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I'm crazily busy today. I think playing Skyrim all weekend probably helped give me a sense of urgent motivation to get everything done. So far I've marked an essay, I've also been provoked intellectually by reading an essay from a university student (God I miss those days). In addition, I've been looking at postgrad programmes and I think I'll apply to a few more PhDs and a couple of MAs, just to see how far it goes. In an hour (after their lunch) I'll book a GP appointment to deal with my scalp. Looking forward to my day its really scary how much I have to do. I'm starting to feel genuine anxiety about the rest of the day.

Anxiety is a problem in that it can either kill my motivation, or be a reasonably good source of motivation. Right now it's a bit of both, if that makes any sense. On the plus side I've earned £20 from marking an essay. Now I need to apply to some jobs, or more importantly, apply myself. There's much to do today, not least I need to do some training later. I've been a lazy fuck and I need to get some Gym going. Tomorrow I'll have to purchase a badminton racket. At least the tutoring has paid for that!

This month is the busiest of the year. I'm getting lots of shifts, plus all sorts of other things are going on. I need to make a Christmas gift list soon, but that's at the back of my head right now, there are so many other things to juggle.

Well, as they say in perdurantist circles: there's no time like the present!

Sometimes its rational to be pessimistic.

2011-11-20T01:00:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Today has been a stupour day. I started off well meaning and tried to find the VCR in my loft (to no avail), and that disheartened me, so I proceeded to play elder scrolls for most of the day, interspersed with eating. I have been a busy bee between Thursday and Friday, and so I've spent today resting up. I'm currently catching up on 3-4 days of Google Reader news, and I'll eventually catch up on emails that I've flagged.

Playing that RPG game is a distraction from what's going on in my life. Part of the reason I stopped playing games in the mid 2000s was exactly becaue I have been too busy with life to let games get in the way. In recent months I made a compromise of balancing my time. I'm not being *so* hard on myself today mainly because of being so busy yesterday. I slept for 4 hours after I got home, and then I stayed up until about 6am playing skyrim, and then fell asleep until 10pm. I've not had proper REM/beta sleep for a few days.

Lots of things are going through my mind at once. I'm thinking about 18thC history, decision theory, the role of social mobility, social theory, the frankfurt school and reading about the economic and social conditions that are affecting today: eurozone nightmares, unemployment, and they say that after xmas the job situation is going to be even more dire.

Lots to look forward to (not). No wonder I'm playing so many games. Things are really shit right now. I'm reminded of a quote by adorno, who when talking about the despair composers of the early 20thC dismissed the accusation that their music is too complicated to be understood, it was ignored because its too familiar what reality they are reflecting in their music, or perhaps what music they are reflecting from our reality.

Dig deep

2011-11-19T04:47:00.001Z

dear diary,

I'm up at 4:30am. I'm not too hard on myself for it though. I have been working for the past couple of days. I've been working some really long shifts. I went from 11am - midnight yesterday, getting home at 1am, sleeping at 2am. Waking up at 6am, then working from 8-5. I don't regret it in the sense that last year I was working even more insane shifts than that with preparing for 7am starts (5am wakeup). I'm not complaining as such, this is wha tthe real world is like for many people. Hats off to them, I'm not so good at managing. I've binged a little bit but on balance, I have actually not eaten very much over those two days, so it balances out. I needed some high calorie foods to get me going. I felt really hungry and tired throughout some of the day, but I did manage to get some food in, and I did have productive moments.

I wish I could tell you the highlights of the things that got on at work. Some of which I must respect the confidentiality of the client, but it was fun all the same. It was exciting at times and there were so many glamorous outfits. I have an attraction to one of my colleagues, and we have a great banter together. It's funny actually, my brain totally changes the way it thinks when I'm around her. I've not felt that kind of giddy teenaged excitement in ages.I treat it as a physiological reaction, maybe her pheremones make me want to fuck her. She's funny and makes me want to talk and talk and talk and makes me act charming instead of all distant and cold. I think it shows my feelings and its really obvious as well. I won't think too much of it. But it is nice to have happy hormones in my brain at work, there's this other colleague who made me laugh really hard. This colleague helped me open up about myself and talk and I told a funny story from my college days. I like opening up.

I started thinking about some really dark stuff during today, mostly because I was just sitting bored for 8 hours. I did manage to read more of my book review. I read just under 100 pages today. The things that went through my mind were kind of therapeutic. There is a quote from the book I'm reading which goes something like: when we have grief, we are reminded of old grief. My uncle died, but my piano teacher died earlier last year as well. Both of these events are swirling in my mind. I was trying to think to myself today why those events meant so much to me, why they have upset me.

I could say in some shallow sense: that's the normal reaction that anyone will have to such things. Yes, that's true, but I wanted to find more analytical reasons, more introspective insights that said more than just the facts. I thought the following things:

Piano lessons and music education are a big part of my life, of my heart. Piano made me the person I am. My piano teacher made me, me.
My uncle represents a big chunk of my growing up. Not my childhood (he moved to the UK in the mid-late 90s), but early teens onwards. I had a really awkward transitional period to adulthood. I am rethinking the narratives i give myself of those times.
Both of them were around during when I was at secondary school and sixth form. The time between about 2000-2004 seemed like a lifetime and not four years. The people from those memories are gone. There's a metropolitan police advert on tubes lately about theft saying: "all you will have are memories", its about property theft, but in the context of what happened, its a painful reminder that I'm alone

I said in counselling that lately I've not been thinknig about the past much (and to a large extent this is true). I've been so busy with the present. In a way, that's the situation I want. I'm feeling really tired right now, so thinking or doing isn't much on my agenda right now. I've been playing elder scrolls to warm down my mind, enjoy something and just forget about thigns for a while. I might take a little while to recover from all the activity today. I'll check my weight later. I slept earlier and I may be up for another hour.

Sometimes in times like these, in utter exhaustion. My sleep is earned, and the greatest pleasure I can have. I tend to get quite emotional when Im tired. When I'm worn down to my last ebb of strength, my feelings start showing. In the words of my badminton trainer friend: dig deep.

Reasons that I am not totally shit

2011-11-15T13:16:00.001Z

Seaneen from Mentally Interesting (a blog that I thoroughly thoughroughly really enjoy) wrote an article to list her positive attributes. So I thought that I would do the same.I'm going to make a list of 10, maybe I can find more, maybe not!

I play the piano, it makes me happy, and it is a creative way of dealing with all my shit. I also used to have a naughty nickname relating to my piano playing.
I'm keeping quite busy these days, even though I'm having a bit of a rough time mentally and psychologically.
As a character trait I put myself in uncomfortable social situations, maybe not so much lately because everything is uncomfortable for me
As a character trait i like to push my boundaries and really work hard on things that cause me a lot of angst and sometimes suffering. I work hard on my weights, and I play badminton
I'm a flexible person, I'm willing to change plans when I've set them. It's not easy for me but I push myself (see previous)
I'm funny, or rather, I can be funny
I am still attractive to women - how I feel inside does nothing to affect my pretty-boy face that attracts older women women my own age alike. I do have a thing for oedipal older women.
I've kept the house mostly tidy since my parents have been away. I've not gone on a massive wank binge lately. I'm trying to keep my libido down - as much as physically possible anyway.
I still have hope, even though it's as sunny as a November morning
I enjoy the relationships I have with my family, with my friends, and I even enjoy the contact with my colleagues. There's a really cute girl who has started working this month, she has cute nerdy curls and she's nordic (what is my fascination with nordic types? maybe it reminds me of Burzum)

I could make more I suppose, but I'm busy. Today is the last day of counselling, but I have a million other things on my mind right now.

I've applied for another PhD and I still don't feel I've achieved anything.

2011-11-14T13:49:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

My ex came to visit yesterday. I was amicable and the perfect host while my parents were away. Perhaps that's all I can say. But I still felt sad when she left. More because I'm not happy with my life and I'm alone.

So today I woke up a bit later than usual. I've made a pattern of not sleeping very much over the past few days, but I don't feel it as much. If I'm honest, I don't feel as shit as I have over the past few days, which is nice. I do feel a little bit off. I think maybe that's the cold weather. The 'dark' times have passed, and I will need to keep that in mind. Today I've worked on mainly household chores, the house isn't in that much a mess, and I've sent off a PhD application! I've also considered that I'm going to apply for a couple of masters degrees again, just for exploring my options. I've done a few of the tasks which have caused me a bit of anxiety.

I've been comparing my mindset with 2005-2006, when my anxiety was really bad. I am surprised at how motivated I was back then, but it was really painful to feel that kind of anxiety. Now, I feel not enough anxiety and not enough motivation. But I do feel niggling things eating away at me. Perhaps that is another form of anxiety. I feel that right now I'll just take a break for a little while. That PhD application was a big emotional drain, as well as looking for those MA positions. Maybe I'll do the gym later.

Anxiety from knowing my heroes

2011-11-10T14:27:00.001Z

Dear diary,

I had a trigger. I know its a weird thing to upset me, it's not a big trigger, but it has upset my normal mood. I found out the 'real identity' inadvertently (on action of said individual) of a blogger that I really respect. It makes me feel weird. This blogger seems so respectable from a distance, as an anonymous person, as a distant ideal, seeing her as a real person makes me feel that she is a column above everyone, and reminds me of how she is a column, and I am the dust settling on the ground. I thought blogging was the one place where I can be myself, by depersonalising.

It's my issue, and nobody elses' but I'm reminded of the saying: never meet your heroes. I wonder if I'm (not by this pathetic monikker of conatus), anybody' hero. I've been heroic in the past. Talking about indignities, I'm not 'poor' enough to get certain NHS support for prescriptions. I'm poor enough for it to hurt, and for income to be a serious problem in my life, but not desperate enough for the state to help. No wonder there's a fucking demonstration everywhere around the world. If I weren't so encumbered by trying to sort it out, I'd be protesting too...

I'm thinking about November 2006

2011-11-09T15:52:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

My plan for the day will seemingly involve getting ready for work, and then once I'm at work I'll be working outside (i.e in the cold) for a few hours. I will likely wear my new favourite jumper. I had a strange feeling at counselling yesterday. I'm not sure what I achieved, or why I bothered talking , or what kind of response I gave to the counsellor. The counsellor was less than objective in her suggestion that I should continue sessions. The counsellor was pushing the point a bit, but maybe more because it was a penultimate session.

I don't know how to say goodbye. Do I say thank you? Do things have to end on a positive note? The more I enforce the recent narrative that I'm 'depressed' or 'things are not doing so well', the more I will seem to believe it. Today hasn't been as productive as say, a good day in October, but I have managed to clear a little bit. I pushed forward. In other news my calorie intake is severely reduced. I seem to have less appetite. That's only a good thing. My weight loss is accelerating at an amazing speed. I'm invariably going to expect when it slows down again, or when I start gaining weight again.

I think what I'm feeling is that I'm taking too much for granted. I am going to miss her, as a person, and for what she does for me in the sessions. I am going to notice a change of routine, I am going to feel quite a change. I don't know if how I will adjust, or whether things will be better or worse as a result. I do know that I will be £100 richer every month, and I hopefully may avoid taking money out of my ISA so often (I may even be in a position to put money back in, if that's possible!) I am going to miss her. I'm not acknowledging those feelings. I think what I benefitted most from was hearing a question that I would never have considered. Looking at my issues and thoughts with another person to pour over them and adding a perspective of their own. Sometimes I could hear her perspective in her words, I know that counsellors don't usually offer opinions or perspectives, but I did get moments where she seemed to express concern about me.

I guess I miss someone who expresses concern about me. I guess I miss someone being around who actually knows what's going on in my head, knows my history, knows my feelings. Friends can't do that, nor can lovers. I think that's the travesty of our time that the fetish of personality has made everybody impersonal. I'll miss having someone to talk to. All I have today is the resolve that I've done such-and such a task, but not others. I've got work later, I've sent a job application, I've done some job searching and I've done a little reading. Perhaps I should repeat what I said in counselling: it could be better and it could be worse. All things considered, though I'm a bit shitty now, I'm coping pretty well.

It's the anniversary of when I was hospitalised 5 years ago. 5 years ago I could have died. 5 years ago I could have killed myself. Nobody is talking about that. Everyone much would rather pretend it never happened. No one wants to remember it or think about it. Even when it came up in counselling yesterday (she brought it up, not me), I tried to avoid it, but then realised that I couldn't. What do I do now? That has been the question of my life ever since then.

I'll go to work, get home, log my data, catch up on the news, catch up on stray tasks, perhaps play some computer games, sleep, wank a couple of times in between, and then start tomorrow.

It sounds so ordered, but it's not, it's really defined in the moment when I wake up and I dont feel like getting out of bed. Its defined in the moment when my motivation is down or I'm dwelling about all the things that I have to do. It's defined in the moments when I feel 'too tired' to do something but if I don't do it I'll either fail or leave it to the last minute, and if I do that, have i really learned anything since 2006? Every day I live is an attempt to say that my life is worth living. Every day is a challenge to the despair I face all around me, in my life, in my room, in the news, in my family, among my friends. Every day is an attempt to answer the question: why haven't I tried to kill myself again?

To be honest, I can't answer that in any words, nor can I answer if I really do want to live. It's all action and no words to try and answer something like that.

what's the alternative?

2011-11-09T13:37:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Do you remember when I was trying to get my life back together between 2007-2009? I had a problem with doing very simple tasks, and learned that there were so many follow-up tasks that came with actually completing a single task. An example: Fill out an application form: find data for references, dig up specifics for work history (I don't memorise that shit) and find awkward addresses and data. Another example: weigh myself - replace batteries in weighing scale. I'm just encumbered by dozens upon dozens of little tasks. I created a scheduling system to try and cope with it, but I'm not feeling 100% and its most definately a drain on my mind right now. It's hard to count the positives. I suppose one is my calorie input. I'm finally losing weight again and I've reached the 200lb marker. Now to reach the next one, and then the next one.... I think 160lbs would be a nice weight, I'd be 'normal'. I guess that's the only thing I have to look forward to.

Back to work...ugh so tedious. But what's the alternative? It's unthinkable

200lbs and a hundred pouds potentially richer

2011-11-08T15:12:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

What have I done today? I woke up at around 8am and thought that I could still lay in bed a bit more. I then next noticed that it was nearly midday. "Fuck!" I thought to myself. I think its fair to say that I've done a bit more since then. I didn't bother to shower yet, as I plan on going to the gym later (and work a sweat up). I've found a nice uniqlo jumper in my inventory. It possibly belongs to my brother, but no matter, I enjoy wearing it. I don't wear jumpers much, but this is a great colour and suits the weather.

The weather is getting cold, and my abilities are going down. Within that framework I have a maximum of things I can do. All things considered, I've done well. Let's make a list:

I guiltily ate McDonalds yesterday, breaking my 'rule', however I think I didn't break the rule when I noticed that tomorrow. I've reached 200lbs, EXACTLY when I weight myself. This is a sign of confidence. I can be thin without purging. I didn't cheat this time.
I've applied to two jobs today
I've put myself up for two more extra shifts this month. According to my calculations that will mean I should get around £100 more next month. I am reminding myself that Christmas is coming, and all the work this month goes to the Xmas pot: presents, nights out, booze, living fees. Might I even have enough for post xmas sales??

I'm getting memories, but strangely enough, from a very recent time: 2010. I was quite excited this time of year for a few things. I started a new job, even though it didn't pay a great amount. I also have fond memories of starting to engage with culture again, watching modern TV instead of being stuck in the past, which upsets me more and makes me feel isolated. I started to embrace my inner nerdgeek a little bit. I was really excited about this tv show: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, I'm quite a fan of Iron Man and I had a boyhood boner about him teaming up with Captain America and the other guys. Just thinking about that little memory, and the fun I had with my family during xmas gives me a sense of warmth. It makes me look forward to this year's xmas.

So if you ever asked if I ever get Christmassy, the answer is a reluctant yes. I look forward to this time of year. Another thing I should add, is that during this time of year, I'm in fashion heaven. All of my favourite clothes I get to wear at this time of year: gorgeous long jackets, practical boots which are both macho and stylish, cord trousers (I wear them all year but this is cord season), and my winter base layer (note: I've also worn this all year).I also think that I am changing my t-shirt size. All of my L base layers are hanging loose, and it might be time to start M'ing it. I'm happy about the weight loss progress. I'm glad that I've got extra shifts this month, and I'm glad that I've sent 2 job applications today.

I still have a lot more to do. I have to prepare for a tutoring session on thursday potentially, I need to consider if I'm going out for a 'date' like situation this weekend, and there's all the other schedule shit that's coming up. I won't even start about the interview days that are coming up for the graduate scheme thing I was at yesterday (it scares me). I'm off to counselling. It's apparently my penultimate session. The counsellor said that I don't have to end things as it may seem premature after the diffulcuites I had last week. Sometimes its hard to notice when things are quite good when you are feeling down overall. I guess that's why I have fond memories of the Avengers cartoon last year. Today, things are not so bad. For an 'off' day, I've gotten a fair amount done. I just hope tomorrow can bring the same dividends, although I am working in the evening.

Entropy

2011-11-07T07:30:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Perhaps my feelings can be better expressed in song. At least there is an outlet. I have been talking about stupours for the past few days, and I also know its important when to tell if things are better rather than worse. I'm awake quite early today, I was in a daze in the run up to getting out of bed, planning my day in my head. I was thinking to myself that I need to make a plan before I get up, and then I did have a plan. I can't remember what it was for the life of me right now, though. That's quite amusing. That's the nature of being in a daze.

I planned most of the things that I needed to consider last night. Travel route, guides, prep documents, passport is packed and so forth. I do think that today will be a long one. I finish everything at 4, which means I'll possibly be back home by 5-5:30.I have planned other stuff to do when I get back, but I've also kept in mind that I can just collapse and fall asleep instead. I must have slept about 5 hours or less. The day sky greets me with reluctance, just like a real person.

I feel a tiredness and listlessness in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of 'why bother'. But in my clothes that I find identification with, I look like a different person to how I feel inside. I ask you: why does a graduate scheme need an open day, and a 'familiarisation session' in order to go through with it. I'm only going to fail it so why bother. I feel like the universe might if it were a person: I'm slowing down, eventually nothing will happen inside me, there will just be coldness, stillness, entropy.

Pensees

2011-11-07T00:44:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I just want to talk, gossip, let some thoughts out.

It's midnight and I have less than 6 hours before I need to get out of bed. I'm not even in bed yet.

I spent the past 4 hours prepping for tomorrow in various ways. I hopefully have ironed out all eventualities, kept everything to a plan, made a plan, all that's missing is execution.

I went to a party today. A friend of mine who has never 'been with a girl' brought a cute lady friend over to the party. Everyone is gossiping, excitedly so! I thought it was funny how as a friend of the family, taking part in the gossip and excitement of this new revelation made me a part of the family. I love families, there is something so wholesome about being with your kin. Despite all the differences, there is an essential thing that makes them similar. Sharing good food and having a good time is enough sometimes.

I've been playing a lot of piano lately. I almost am playing with a goal. I find practicing a form of meditation, in other words, I meditate on my thoughts, feelings, and many issues in the practice emerge as personality issues in my life. I was thinking about how I feel 'entitled' in life. I was thinking about my insecurities, my vulnerabilities. I was thinking how loud pieces are not always my personality, and how I like soft pieces. It's very macho to like rachmaninov and chopin all the time. I want to play less phallic music.

I feel so tired I dont think I'll have a chance to wank tonight. I feel a lot of uncertainty and I just scraped by today by completing this prep task. Ideally I'd have had a shower and an evening off to think more. I have lots more to think about after I get home as well. I'm running myself quite hard, yet other times not hard enough.

I'm feeling uncertainty about cancelling counselling. Mainly because I feel an emotional connection with the counsellor. Things are getting harder for me, I'm starting to feel depressed more. I miss the emotional comfort of being myself and someone listening. I have that with nobody else. Except for a voice in my head. I imagine there is a woman around me, in the room sometimes. We've not agreed that dido mia is the best name, as I'm not sure she's a personificationf of my eating disorder. Maybe she's a personification of stability. I like our chats, she's interesting, and yet as she always says: I have no inner life, I'm just a reflection of you, your imagination.

I'm quite self indulgent to invent my own best friend...that, or I'm desperately lonely

I hate stupours

2011-11-06T12:25:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wonder if I could do things again, whether I'd correct my old mistakes. In more literal terms that is how I feel emotionally. I face the same feelings that I had in the past, the same issues, the same resentments, the same insecurities and I wonder: will I embrace them differently this time? I was playing a bit of the piano this morning. It's my way of procrastinating. I was doing some improvisation, then practicing some of the 'Well Tempered Clavier', and then I was sightreading some Norah Jones songs.

I know how I've said in the past how I get certain feelings from listening to Norah Jones. It reminds me of when my depression period started. I wonder if I'm 'post-depression' era, or if I'm just 'post-peak'. I feel like such a failure, and the only way the thrive is to face failure in the face and take another beating. A Stallone style boxing analogy seems relevant to life right now. I'm not particularly feeling strong right now. There's a lot going on in my mind right now, things that I have to carry, and my days of stupour are returning. I've not been 'stupoured' in many weeks.

Today i've been invited to a party, which I may go to for a short time and then come home to prepare for an interview. There's much to do, and I'm just sitting around.

November Patterns: distancing

2011-11-05T11:59:00.001Z

My family aren't really talking about the funeral in terms of the man who died, maybe it's too painful to say 'I miss him', or to that effect. Maybe it's how they grieve. Things are getting in my head about my uncle. Little thoughts just seem exceptionally morbid. My uncle used to make lots of food and freeze it, the sick reality is that a lot of that food has lasted after his own expiry in various freezers. My mum mentioned how she was defrosting my uncle's 'last' curry. Something seems symbolically cannibalistic or 'last supper' about that.

I've come to accept that the November darkness has come down upon me. I'm still trying to get by with my day, but I also realise that i'll need to slow down my pace and accept that I can't do as much as I used to in previous weeks and months. Sometimes by accepting change, we can actually do more in objective terms. I could engage with more meaningful things. I'm planning to go to the gym. I woke up masturbating and now that I've finished with that I realise how much time I have, or rather, how little. There's a lot on my mind for the coming few days, and I'm barely even thinking about it. Masturbating, and purging as it happened, are enacted by me as 'distancing' tasks. Right now I want to engage in another 'distancing' task: eating. If I distance myself from it I can then distract myself and end up not doing it.

My november patterns emerge.

Kicking the ladder down

2011-11-01T15:13:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

Lots of vignettes of thought are going through my head today, little things like:

Can I feel sexy in a tight shirt? (yes)
Should I rely on new female romantic interests for emotional support?
Should I have a shower after the gym?
Can I go clothes shopping?
Have I done enough today? (I've applied to 3 jobs through an agency, set up new job RSS feeds, listened to an audiobook on Spinoza)
Should I eat more now, before I go outside?

My head is rushing with little thoughts. The worst of the anxiety has passed. I'm picking up the pieces today and getting on with life. Today i'm going for a counselling session, I have 3 more sessions to go before I quit. The past 5 or so days have not been good, so I will probably have to talk about it. This morning I saw some of the 'small' size shirts in my wardrobe and found that they were fitting me. I still have lots more work to do when it comes to fitness, but if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll have a better body.

Life isn't great. The more time that passes without me getting into a decent job, the more damage I'll suffer. I remember that there was a boy in school who used to be a really good friend of mine. I had a dream about him last night. We were best friends, we were born on the same day. This guy was an academic achiever when we were friends, and I was the dumbass, but somehow after GCSEs, he fell in with a different group of friends and he dropped out of 'A' levels and didn't bother with uni, and got in trouble at school because of his overly long hair.

I had a dream where I was dropping off a letter to his house, I dont exactly remember what the letter said or why I was doing it, but I think it was an olive branch on my part. I then somehow got a letter or email from him (I'm filling in consistency gaps here) where he said something to the effect of: 'I got your message and I appreciate it. We are cool'. I was actually not even going to mention that dream but thinking about his dad brought the association. When I was growing up in the 1990s I knew this aforementioned kid and he lived with only his dad. It was kind of like a single father affair, I found out however, that he was long term unemployed. There are a generation of adults who were young men and women over the 1980s who had long term unemployment and many of them never went back to work or just lost confidence and hope. When I think of him, I think of what little I have to look forward to. This guy, after some reflection as an adult, probably had moderate or severe depression. I remember another kid in school whose mother had cancer, and he had to leave the school and the area when the mother's cancer was really bad. I think it had something to do with him going to the next of kin/guardians/foster parents.

There was so much darkness around me when I was growing up. In a way I'm glad that my parents didn't go through the tough stuff until after I grew up, and before I grew up. My older brother and sister lived through the 'poor' years. The thing about migrant families is that they normally start out poor and it helps build resilience and give some entrepreneurial spirit. My brother is perpetually broke and my sister's family is middle income but they are still facing some difficulties. What about me? I guess it could be worse for me, I read an article a while back which mentioned a metaphor, not of a graduate career ladder, but being kicked off the ladder before making a step up.

I feel like the world is imploding. The occupy movement has causes that I definately agree with and believe in. People are going through things that they don't deserve. Disability allowances are getting cut, public sector funding on numerous projects are culled and from a personal, selfish perspective. I don't have a career to speak of. I'm actually quite surprised that I could articulate this. About 2 hours ago I was thinking about writing this blog post and I thought to myself: I don't have any words to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe I haven't talked about what I've felt, but typing this post has brought out a lot of feelings.

Over and over again. Over and over again (silent computer fan in background)

2011-10-31T15:47:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

I've fucked messed things up quite a bit.As usual, I'm left disappointed. I've even fucked up the opportunity for the back up plan. I should show resilience. I despise how people these days, especially people my age show such optimism and such personality management that they appear to have everything under control.

I'll tell you how I feel: I'm not under control. I've fucked everything up. It started by trusting that fucking girl in 2007. I blame myself, it's all my fucking fault. I used to be somebody import and now I've lost my dignity. My weight loss has gone down over the past few days. I have commandeered control over it, thankfully. I haven't been at the gym for the past week due to the back injury which has now disappeared. In situations where things go bad, I should just try not to make it worse. Trying not to dwell on it being bad also helps. I will have to talk about this in counselling tomorrow. I don't know how to face it.

I don't know how to face the world. I hate when people ask what I'm doing these days or ask how interviews go, and all I can say is that I didn't get the job. There is a social convention that everything has to be alright and great and you can at least be philosophical about the bad things, but there's nothing to be philosophical about. There's no point in trying to console me

I want to lay down in bed and just think to myself: screw the world. I'd like to pretend I'm not me for a while either, I guess that's why I've been playing a bit more computer games lately. I've lost my motivation and my hope. I'm just trying to clutch on to the small things today. I feel very tempted to purge. I feel incredibly isolated, I feel quite disappointed with myself. I feel disappointed at the results of interviews, disappointed that I hoped so much. When I got the email I KNEW I didn't get it. I don't feel like going outside to do any weights. Maybe that is why I absolutely must do it.

These disappointments are really damaging me inside. They are destroying my confidence, taking away all the things that are inside me and replacing it with tar like dark, sticky despair. I'm in a room slowly surrounded by sludge, I sometimes try to clean little bits of it, but I realise that the more I try to clean it, the more the smear sticks to everything. Why do I bother, I should just let the sludge consume me.

I'm going to go to the gym after I click on the 'post' button. Friday was the day that decided everything. It certainly was, it destroyed me. I'm left with more days to destroy me over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again.

the storm will pass?

2011-10-30T17:58:00.001Z

Dear Diary,

My anxiety triggers are more frequent, and worse in kind. I have an increasing feeling that I'm doing things incorrectly. I misread an email this week which meant that by the time I properly read it, I am no longer able to do the training course. So, my back up plan is no longer an option. Everything was in the air this week, so much in the air that I couldn't make good decisions.

It is abundantly clear that I'm still not good at making decisions. I was holding out so much for the best option that my back up plan fucked up, and the 'best options' didn't materialise. Today involved a bit of 'picking myself up'. I didn't do very much today, but I did enough to make the coming days uneventful. I went through an anxiety hell on Friday that had lots of other kinds of emotional repercussions. My plans are mostly dead in the water and all of my hopes and aspirations have been shot down, AGAIN.

I wish I had a way of making it all better. I guess controlled eating has helped. Over the past few days I have made a few good strides in my caloric intake. Namely through logging my calories in a much more stringent way. Feeling anxious has helped kill my appetite. I remember in the bad old days where I'd force myself to eat. I remember in the bad old days that I had uncomfortable and complex feelings that only in certain occaisions I can remember phenomenologically.

I'm going to close the day by simply reading magazines. I'll then listen to some audiobooks and try to remember that the storm will pass. My anxiety trigger for today just now was: an extra shift was offered, but I already had a shift that day (but not a conflicting shift). That means I will have to sign in and out twice. The uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. This sounds so pitiful and small, but it puts me emotionally in a place that has caused me a lot of pain this week. It's like opening the same emotional wound. I wonder how I can talk about this in counselling. How can I end sessions when its getting worse...

2011-10-28T14:42:00.001+01:00

Dear diary,

Things aren't going well. I'd rather say less and weather this storm. I'm not feeling very sunny and bright. I'm having a massive anxiety episode. I think that I'm going to lay down and weather the storm. I've realised that it's too late to confirm about the course I was invited to, so basically, I'm not part of it now. That means I'm at the mercy of two interviews. Oh, and the one that 'happened' today? It didn't happen, like I say - I'd rather mention less about it. It didn't happen, it never happened, it was just 6 hours of my life I'll never get back.

I don't expect any positive news from the media job.

Troika

2011-10-28T07:53:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning with a thought: today has the potential to change everything. Perhaps in spite of that, or because of it, I got up quite soon and without too much trouble. Touch wood, I will hear back from the two interviews that I had over the past 7 days. In review, I've had 3 interviews in a 7 day period as well as worked 3 shifts, and decided to end counselling in 2 more sessions this week. On balance, maybe that covers for the fact that I've not had a chance to apply to many jobs. I've mainly tried to catch up on sleep and everything else. Ideally I'd still keep applying as things developed.

I'm putting a lot of hope in the result of today. What outcomes could there be?

Get offer for both jobs
Get offer for one of the jobs
Get no offers, start training course on monday
Get no offers, start training course on monday, wait result of today's interview
Get no offers, feel emotional crash

When I list it in that way, it doesn't sound as bad, although, I do feel pretty bad about putting so much hope in the results of my interviews. I'm so dependent on powers outside of me that it makes me incredibly vulnerable. That horrific interview last week had quite a dent on me emotionally, since it has been a week of not hearing back from them I expect that I didnt get the role. In addition, their website extended the application deadline by 2 weeks, even when they interviewed me *before* the application deadline. They have inconsistent and seemingly unfair hiring policy. That's not a good sign. Fucking media bastards.

Yesterday I was thinking how I may have weighed up against the other candidates. For the media role, they probably have someone who volunteered at Big Brother's studios or T4 or some other related role and they also happen to be super hot and sexy. For the other role I was interviewed for, they probably have someone with relevant administrative and executive experience who also knows CMS. I feel its much more likely that someone is better suited for the role I was invited to on Monday than others for the media role, but that said, they probably won't let me into the media place either.

So, that means: I'm back to square one already in my mind. IN a way that makes things easier in my mind. I need to think in my head that I didn't get those roles, so I wont' be disappointed. I'm so tired of feeling that I am close to getting the role when I have no chance. Who am I kidding. I have no chance at anything, the voice in my head that makes me want to purge is not external, its mine. In other news, my weight loss is showing more results, which means I'm back on track, and I've my back pain is reduced a lot more since last saturday. That means I can start back at the gym soon.

I guess I need to count any positives...

(annoying buzz sound of boiler)

2011-10-27T18:50:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I cleared up quite a few tasks this morning. I woke up early. I then proceeded to feel quite worried as the day went on, and now I feel quite low. Lots of things have piled up on me emotionally and I feel really low. I haven't got a response from the two interviews that I need to hear back from. This is really bad. I need to prep for the training course...but I wanted to tell them I got another job role so I am no longer available. I've not heard back from the interviews, and I REALLY need to.

Maybe I should count my blessings: I've gotten a place on a prestigious training course. I guess that's not so bad...why do I feel so shit right now? I'm pushing myself to get things done right now. I need to do interview prep, and two related tasks: prepare my clothes, and polish my shoes, oh, and shower.

I acknowledged some feelings of upset earlier, feelings of vulnerability, feelings of lonliness, feelings of sadness.

I want to purge. I'll try not to

(listening to more ministry of sound shittiness)

2011-10-26T21:59:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Let me just say that my day has been busy if one is to look at the number of tasks I've achieved on my list. I went to see the Occupy protest in St. Pauls before I went to work, I went to see Antonia there, as it happened. I was hoping that by the time I got home I would know the result of the interviews from Monday and last week. Unfortunately, I do not. That means that I'm being pushed further to wait. I can't really wait, I need to decide. In other positive news, I may have mentioned that I've been invited to another interview this friday. It's for a part-time role which I could happily fit into my schedule if I were doing the training course and my current part time job. That wouldn't be terrible (it wouldn't be the best solution either), but it would be one step up from how things are now.

I need to remember that with all the things that are going on, I need to focus on my diet as well. I've gobbled a lot of corn on the cob as I got home, I think my calories today have been pretty good. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a 'crash' day. I sincerely hope not. On the other hand it may be a slower paced day. I feel comfortable. In little ways, things are getting to agree with me. I might end my day with an audiobook rather than as I usually do with an extended session of masturbating. I wonder if my reduced sex drive is healthy?

I'm feeling a bit sad with the prospect of 'losing' my counsellor. I've become very dependent on her support, I've become dependent on her silent assurance. I feel an artificial sense of closeness to her, maybe because I was so open with her, I'm not open like that with anybody anymore. I should be...

Pensive, ( so why am I listening to ministry of sound remixes)

2011-10-26T11:30:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

So, it's Wednesday morning. I've felt quite a lot of feelings over the past 24 hours, even though the day has started, I feel as if I've been through a lot. I've discussed the decision to end counselling with my counsellor. I felt awkward, anxious and uncertain. Like a true counsellor, she pointed out that these are feelings that I hate and situations that I hate putting myself in. I made the point that I need to do this and go through this process of ending, closure, because I didn't have the chance when I was being treated for depression.Strangely enough, once I got home I felt quite depressed (in the non technical sense). I felt sad about how much impact the counsellor has had on my life, it is strange how a woman that I have a non sexual attraction to or a non romantic interest that isn't my mother or sister or some other blood relative could have such an impact on my life.

When I talked through my decision, I felt less certain that it was the right thing to do, but I had as a belief and motivation that I had to end it some time. I talked about how this time of year upsets me because of 'memories' of the past. I'd rather think these days about the present and the amount that I have to do right now. The past is always there to revisit in my thoughts, but I need to live my life as well. So, let's talk a little about the present.

Last night I went to Badminton after counselling, I didn't do any weights but rather I was playing about with my neighbour who is my badminton 'coach'. I finished early and didn't do any cardio training. If I'm honest, that badminton really took it out of me at the time. I ventured home and passed a school friend of mine, we talked for a couple of minutes and then I agreed to meet him for a pint at some point next week. We'll sort it out somehow. As I got home I was so tired that I could barely have the motivation to eat. I snacked mostly instead of properly eating, my mum has been experimenting with a new dish which I quite like. I didn't properly count my calories but I suspect that I was way under 2000. This belief is justified when I got to weigh myself this morning and found that I've lost more weight. Over the past 5 days I have decided to try and take dieting more seriously, I've been far too complacent for two months and I've not lost any weight, but fluctuated around the same weight.

A lot of things have been hovering over my head last night, I've mentioned about this in the previous post, I've also been concerned about whether to cancel my shift, and I've decided to tell the boss (after failing to find someone to give it to) to cancel my place on the shift on Monday. It's 11.5 hours pay, and that would definately be welcome in my pay packet, but I just don't think I can do it. If I don't get the jobs interviewed over the past week, I can start the course.In addition to this, as I woke up my Inbox was filled with an invitation to another interview! It's for a role where my experience at Shambly Arena is relevant. It's another events and hospitality related job, and apparently it's a startup by a group of girly girls apparently they pay better than my current role. Considering all of the modalities and options that I've considered, another part time job might work in addition to a training course...

A lot of things are going on in my head right now, if I were truly rational I'd accord what I am thinking about to what I need to think about, but instead, I'm thinking about 1-2 things that are pertinent to my anxiety, namely: whether I'll get my shift cancelled without a problem; how to cope with life without counselling; will I hear from the job interviewers today?

I need to do something now that I haven't done in ages: I need to actually apply to a job! I've not done proper applications since the Funeral, or even before. In a way I'm glad in that I've actually been busy lately: working and interviews count as good reasons not to do anything else, but I still need to finish my tasks!

Kant's Forth Question

2011-10-25T15:24:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

One way that my mind normally works is that the most anxiety-inducing thing is presented as foremost to my thoughts, and then everything else takes a secondary role. At the moment the most anxiety-inducing thing is my counselling session. I've gotten a letter from my counsellor saying that we can talk about ending sessions later today. I don't know if this is awkward, or if there's something I'm supposed to do, it's a new situation and thus, with no precedents, I feel at a loss as to how to react. Thinking about cancelling helps in a little way: I'll have money to possibly make ends actually meet a little bit more.

Other things should take precedence as well, lets make a tally:

Job interview yesterday: I need to know if they rejected me. If they haven't, I'm taking it. But then that means I have to turn down the other training scheme, and it depends on how the media company responds to me
Media company interview: I need to know if they rejected me.. If they haven't, and the one mentioned in 1. has, I'm going to undergo the next stage of the interview. This may mean I will have to take the disingenuous position of starting the training scheme and then leaving it, if they give me the position. Or I could end up in the highly undesirable position: turn down the training scheme that I've already accepted, and then get rejected. Three birds in the bush, and all I have to fondle are my balls emptied of oppurtunity (grautitous sperm joke)
If 1.,2, reject me, then I go for the undesired route of doing the training course. Since I've cancelled counselling I have the extra time to work on tuesdays, as well as the extra money to travel. Again this isn't desirable as I'm delaying the time in which I can one day get full time work.

Let me ask another question: what do I really want here?

Get a job
Maybe get a job that I like
Preferably get a job that fits a career profile
Get more money
With more money comes independence
I can stop being so dependent on my parents
I might have a shot at moving out and getting on the esteemed housing ladder
With a proper job I can go out with girls, go on dates, have fun times out, engage in activity hobbies that don't involve masturbating while listening to a 10 hour limit of music on spotify over youtube videos. I can go and see opera, lieder, go on proper holidays, take motorcyle lessons
Potential hope: Fund a PhD, or Masters ....

All of these basically answer to one thing: Getting a job will get my life back. No more limbo.

I feel as if I've set myself up for disappointment. The bastards who rejected me last month at the 'thinktank' really upset me. I had my hopes and aspirations set for that role and I ended up going nowhere. I even had to cancel on counselling for that. Is it possible for me to get my life back, get a job and a career, get a place to live in, earn a wage? These are the big questions that I never talk about or even think about, but really, that's why I'm doing all of this job search and job application bullshit that fills almost all of my day.

I feel more and more in recent days that I've been myself a lot more. I've been in a lot of social contact with people: interviews, friends, girls who like me and colleagues at work, that it's changing me a little bit as a person. I am changing in recent weeks. It's okay to change, it's not like I've stopped reading audiobooks and technical academic journal articles, hell, it's not that I've even given up on my fitness goals! (Note: lately I've had a bad back so I've put off training for a few days, I'm going to train later, but probably only cardio or things which dont hurt my back).

I suspect that the answer to some of these issues will resolve themselves as the days go on. I can't keep waiting though. The past three days I've not been terribly active (despite the fact that I had an interview and went to work yesterday, I didn't do any 'thinking' of my own) I've really beared my naked soul for this blog post, all the more to express how I really feel, in order for life to just crush me again. I'm always thinking and preparing for the worst...but can I hope?

My teacher used to say 'sleep on it' for big decisions.

2011-10-24T16:14:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I feel quite bad that I haven't done much today. I woke up in good time for the interview today, I *think* that I did the interview pretty well, but to be honest. How many people know how to use MS Outlook, support an executive and are familiar with the Higher Education System. Well put it this way, if any candidate knows how to use CMS then I've not got the job because 'we found a candidate whose experiences and skills more closely match the job role'. It did seem like a nice place to work, informal, but also a very formal workplace. My eye was strangely impressed or drawn to one of the panellists who looked quite young but was sporting greying hair, there is something quite dignified about a young woman who accepts greying hair. If I, as a man went through that I'd probably dye it all the time. Anyway that has Nothing To Do With The Job.

I'm not really counting on it, to be honest, but I will need to wait until Wednesday or Thursday before I need to make moves. I am waiting on the other job interview from Friday which will either reject me or invite me to another interview. That makes things uncomfortable because I need to decide my plan by the end of the week. In a way, I'd be releived if I was rejected from both roles because I'll have a sub optimal plan already from the get-go. I find it odd how I'm juggling between potential improvements rather than a good situation and a bad one. The best outcome isn't so clear, and each decision will have a loss.

Trainign Scheme is prestigious. Media job is a stepping stone to a potential larger career. Today's interview role is best paid, and a straight laced position.I don't think that the one today has the best social life after work, they all seem to be yummy mummies working there. That gives an opening if one of them ever leaves after having babies, I've heard many people choose not to go back to work after their child. I don't know one way or the other though, but I heard that from some HR people that I work with. Anyway, when I got home I had a bit to eat, and then I fell asleep for what seems to be 2 hours. Waking up I prepped for work, and now I'm ready to leave. The plan for the rest of the day seems to be: go to work; work; read book review book. I hope I get to work with someone nice for my shift today.

For someone who has to make big decisions this week, sleeping on it doesn't really seem helpful.

listening to audiobooks while anxiously posting.

2011-10-23T13:29:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I've sent off the request to end counselling. I'll hear from my counsellor probably in session on Tuesday. That's mainly been on my mind when it comes to keeping active, in addition I had a horrible interview on friday. I'd rather talk about something else for now. This weekend has been quiet. I woke up, went to work. Let's just say that recent events with #OWS had affected working conditions. However it was pleasantly contrasting to how I normally work. The shift ended early, I volunteered to leave because we had more than enough people to cover the shift. The way I saw it was that I recieved an extra shift on short notice for 5 hours, I will be paid for 4 hours and worked 2 of them.

I went home and was met with a lot of back pain. This time it was a different area of my back. The back pain still afflicts me. For this reason I chose to ignore my tasks until now. So right now I'm blogging to delay and procrastinate. The plan is to get some groceries for mum, which will culminate in a pleasant walk. I shall then venture on with my tasks of the day. Most of these seem to be job applications, I probably should read on with my book review. I should also prepare for the interview on Monday Morning. I kind of give off the impression that lots of things are going on. Maybe I'll give a list:

I'm still reeling and returning to normal from the funeral (I know its not a good excuse to make, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me)
I have been invited to a training scheme
I have had an interview earlier this week
I have been invited to two further interviews this week, one tomorrow (next week) and the other the week after
I will need to decide, if I'm offered a job from one of the two interviews (one of the interviews applies to a job next year), whether I will take it and have to decline from the training scheme that I've already been offered (a bit of a downer if I do).
I've decided to stop counselling. This will mean a few things:
I'll have less emotional support/I'm on my own/things might get difficult again
I'll have more money to make ends meet.

I'm dealing with situations where there are so many possible outcomes, I'm not sure how things will pan out. I am sure that all of these actions will change my life situation, maybe in small ways, maybe in not small ways. My uncle has died, things have definately changed without him. I will either have taken a training course giving me lots of important work experience, or things will get lots better as I am offered the illustrious 'proper job', and I'll be a proper grown up that doesn't operate out of mum and dad's house.

I've got groceries to get. Mum wants me to carry something heavy back home. I didnt tell her about my back, but she probably knows since I put an ice pack inside my shirt.

Onwards, as they say ...

Ending a relationship

2011-10-20T15:04:00.001+01:00

As I started today I thought that I have way too much to do, and then I realised this is only going to continue. I made a slow start to my day and just asked a question: can you get up? Yes. Can you sit up? Yes. Can you sit at the computer? Yes.

The day went on from there. Since about 11am I've been tidying documents that I've meant to deal with for months. I was initially going to fill out an NHS prescription cost exemption renewal form (HC2), since I need more shampoo for my scalp (my skin is flaring up again on the scalp). But in order to get the prescription, I need to deal with the expenses, and since my expenses are limited I need to get the form. In order to fill the form, I need certain documents, but they were in a messy folder so I sorted that out. I then found out that one document (a recent payslip) hasn't come in just yet so I needed to wait for it. For a simple thing like wanting shampoo, there is such a long process, and it seemed that I had even longer to wait once I actually dealt with it. Such is the way of life, a lot of following up and a lot of paperwork.

As I sorted through the documents, I thought about the memories they brought. Most of the documents are from the past year. Most of them are job rejections, a few things from when I was still on the dole, and a few other odd bits. Going through those documents reminded me of how I used to have triggers from the documents I used to keep. But that says more about the time it was, than now. I didn't as such have a trigger. I had a few disappointments, namely: "Ah I remember this interview..." and so on. I then found one document. It is some details about the place where I go counselling.

As I read through the details I was reminded of how over the past couple of months I have been thinking about ending the counselling sessions. I read through the document, and there were small processes to what I would do next. I read through to see if there was information about ending sessions. I then looked on google to see if there were any procedures. I then asked on a forum for anyone's experience of ending counselling. I then felt anxiety about the possibility of being without my support. I realise now that my counsellor has been a rock for me for the past year. I also realise that the time is right for me to leave, and the time is good for my finances to not be drained of £100 a month. I wrote the email, drafted it, then looked about for more information on the net. i realised that I was procrastinating so I started writing this blog post, I then stopped writing it and then sent the bloody email. Now that I've sent it, I feel that I have the chance to experience something that I never did before. I'm getting better, and I'm ending the support on that basis.

In the past I ended counselling by disappearing, not replying to emails and calls. In one instance she ended it with me, I was really upset when that happened. I was going through the worst moment of anxiety and she had to move on. That counsellor (I still remember her name) was so very supportive and kind. Sympathetic and caring, I'll never forget her. I was such a different person back then that just remembering those days makes me feel vulnerable. With the GPs and mental health professionals, I ended things by getting angry at them, and at the time that seemed relevant. I do believe, however, that I was unprepared and uncertain on how to end the relationship back then, as I am now.This is my next challenge.

Getting better isn't necessarily about things getting better, but more about being self sufficient and well enough to cope with the next challenges. I'm not saying its easy by any stretch, but I think that I can take it. If I can navigate through ending the counselling relationship, then I can cope with life without counselling. Part of the reason I wish to end it is that I find it incredibly supportive and comforting, so much so that I may become dependent on it. Losing the sessions will become a loss for me emotionally. I am reminded of the drugs that the doctors put me on, those drugs were so horrible that they recommended against going off them. "How can I get better if I'm on these drugs?" I would think to myself. One of the things that I thought was really difficult about living with depression was the prospect of having to be drugged up for the rest of my life? Is it possible that I'd be off it? That question was never really answered for me by the mental health staff, which gave me the impression that the answer was: No.

I do not feel that this is a rash decision, even though I decided it rashly today. I've been thinking about doing this for a few weeks now, and finding that document in my folder was the impetus that I needed to do it. If I didn't do it today, I don't know if I'll ever end the counselling, and that is a prospect that I do not find desirable. I guess I still have this blog to write to. I don't have many real people that I can talk to honestly, though. Maybe I should find someone with whom I can be myself with. That's second on my priorities after I find paid full time work!

Onwards!

don't start what you can't fini

2011-10-18T15:25:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I've noticed that I've blogged on here less. Perhaps today is the only day in the past week or so that I've not felt that I'm in a big rush. I should get back to applying for more jobs. Today I spent about 2 hours writing a cover letter to apply for a writer position. Am I a writer? I dunno, but I guess I could see if I could get in for the opportunity. Yesterday I did some intensive training. Today I may do more of the same, or I may not. I'm painfully aware that I'm overeating. I have a problem with food. Since my uncle died 2 weeks ago I've been binging on and off. I've initially given myself some slack for it, feeling stressed and all, but now I need to quit the habit. I'm going to take my pocket money out of my bag so I don't have a choice when I get back from Training.

I've got to go now. I wanted to say moer but I'm in a hurry

Talk soon.

2011-10-16T18:55:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Today has been catchup. I've done a little bit of catching up. I've also done a touch of replying to emails and sorting out the coming few days. I actually look forward to the prospect of just having some normality after tomorrow. Thinking about the funeral and dealing with it has gotten to my head a bit. I'm glad that I've cleared up as much as I did. Invariably there is lots more I could do or could have done. But I'll leave it for another day. I feel like I could sleep now, at an early 7pm.

Perhaps its just enough to get done today.

After a funeral, life goes on.

2011-10-15T14:56:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

What can I say about yesterday? It was a funeral. I woke up at 4:30am, got home at 7pm, left at 4:30pm, spent 3 hours in a car with my brother. Then I realised how much energy and anxious social energy I was using. I then felt a big crash as I got home, which is totally understandable. The runeral was in a way, a positive experience. We all cried, we all shared tears, we were supportive and there for each other. I love my family, I love them as people and I love them because I have to. I love them because we are different, but in embarrassing ways, we are also the same.

I cried quite a bit yesterday, if I'm talking about superlatives, it would be the first time I've ever seen a dead body. It definately will not be the last. To use a phrase of ebonics, the shit got real. As I got home, I barely ate anything. Perhaps for the first time in weeks, I chose not to think about my schedule. Perhaps I'll talk about the funeral another time, I think it needs more processing to deal with and acknowledge. As I was in the house, I felt like my uncle would at any moment be around the corner and sitting in the chair as he always did. According to testimonies, my uncle died peacefully in his house, sitting on a sofa, watching his beloved garden. I miss him, and I miss what he represented.One other telling experience was that when the coffin casket was open, my friend Merv stood up out of his wheelchair to say goodbye. That was really powerful for me to see, and really a strong expression for him. Merv can stand from time to time but it's really hard...really, damned hard.

My intention for this week was to go back home after the funeral and get on slowly with the rest of my month. There are lots of things to do, not least to mention the PhD applications and the upcoming interview that I need to think about. As it happened, everything seemed to have exploded in activity when I got home. I got asked out on a sort-of date. A woman that I've been chatting/flirting with has asked me on an impromtu basis to come along to an opera with her. Well, it's not quite an opera, but a live performance telecast of an opera. How could I say no? So I'm going to get there in a couple of hours. I've also recieved an extra shift at work (It almost makes up for my cancelled shift yesterday). I also, gasp, received an offer from the interview on monday. Of all things its not paid. So I really need to think hard about accepting it.It's a course, its work experience, its also indispensable, but can I afford to go? If I get offered a full time job, then no. If I work within my current job, and then work around some finances...then maybe. Perhaps there is some kind of word play significance: after a funeral, my life is going on.

We all have our time to die, but I want my time to live as well.

I've got lots to get on with now. Laters.

things on my mind

2011-10-11T14:11:00.001+01:00

I thought I'd prepare a list of things that are on my mind, or should be on my mind right now:

1. Anxiety: Planning for Funeral this week

2. Follow up Interview invitation

3. Follow up transcript requests with university

4. Prepare PhD Applications

5. Job applications (i need to keep going with the schedule)

6. Back pain - should I train?

7. Plan book review assignment

8. Finances - I'm FUCKED

9. Incident with friend - where I fucked up

I think that's the whole list. There are all interreated concerns and things that are causing me angst and that I need to find some way wherin to deal with them all at once. I've cleared my schedule for all of today except for training and counselling. I need still to work out a way to get home after the funeral

all things strive to exist?

2011-10-11T11:37:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I seemingly did not finish the blog post that I intended to write last night. It doesn't matter. I feel incredibly anxious today. Something has backfired really badly and it has a few implications:

Someone will get into trouble for what i've done
I've messed up a friendship
I am not going to find a place to sleep over on the night before the funeral

I've had some back pain over the past couple of days now, it has immobilised me. I have lots to think about and no effort in me to deal with it. Today is the first day I've put the radiator on since its started to get cold again. That's slightly depressing. On the plus side, it does help me get out of bed when there is heat in the room. Comfort in the duvet is deceptively unproductive.

So, I must get on with the day. There's a bit to think about, priorities are:

Catch up with schedule/dont get behind
Confirm details about media company interview
Organise route to funeral later on this week (probably will involve taking a train on the day)

Non priority worries:

Should I go to badminton/training later today?
How can I fix the problem I made with the friend/will I get into serious trouble?
Can I keep motivated?

My head is in quite a daze right now. I need to push on somehow. I feel incredibly stupid, what I've done is incredibly stupid. I guess I have to carry on in some way.

Silence in the afternoon (of my own thoughts)

2011-10-07T13:12:00.001+01:00

Dear diary,

After a few productive and arguably trouble-free days, I feel a bit of an emotional crash today. I'm back to square one emotionally, physically it feels that way, and in terms of my life and prospects and how things have usually been over the past couple of years, I'm very much back to where I was again. No sign of progress.

Fuck.

So today, I could do as I usually do and find some way to pick everything up and not only complete all of my tasks, but also push on forward with the rest of my week and create some semblance of productivity. Or I could just laze about. Right now I feel like just sitting up would be a plus. I could think about all the platitudes that I think about when I feel down: start where you are, or 'justkeepmoving justkeepmoving' from 'Nemo. My uncle died on monday, and I've given a little bit of thought and processing about it, but not very much. Perhaps today as I go through the day, I may ponder. I mainly seem to be living lives through other people's eyes, but never my own. That should change.

I think that today will be alright. I still have a chance to rectify things.

As I say so often: onwards!

Listening to some generic lounge music and feeling pretty tired

2011-10-05T11:39:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary (I find this prefix comforting),

I am pretty tired today, and I feel like a massive bowel movement is long overdue. In my previous post, I talked about how busy Tuesday was going to be, and Monday was relatively occupied as well (also I found out that my uncle died on monday). Yesterday I had a specific plan for the day, and to some extent, it all went to plan. I did an interview which lasted 4 hours, I hate the fact that I had to be friendly with the competition, I hate the fact also that in the group exercise, I mentioned that we needed to use a quantitative research design process, and when the girl in my group mentioned it in the presentation, she presented it as if it were her idea, and she didn't know what she was talking about clearly. I just wanted to catch her out and say: so, what is a qualitative social research method? Can you tell me the epistemological, practical and ethical issues relating to this kind of method?

Anyway after the interview I just kept thinking about all the shit I have to do the next day (ie today), I had an interview to reply to, I had to do another graduate competency test, and as I finished up in badminton, I had two other tasks to deal with, I had to rearrange a possible time with counselling, and I recieved (shock) another interview invitation! That means I have three interviews this month, one for yesterday, another next week, and one on the 24th. I must say that's not a terrible pace I've kept up. As it happens (this is totally not what I intended), two of the roles are in the same sector, and its a profession I totally would not have considered. Anyway, all of these applications are setting plans up for the future, potential futures. I'm just sowing loads of seeds.

With that in mind, I also have yet to hear from the people I ordered the transcripts from, I have also two PhD oppurtunities to look up, both of which are in the Netherlands (odd, but you have to go where the money is...). I not only have these things to think about in the distant future, I also have to do a lot of shit for today, and I'm blogging about doing it which doesn't involve doing it! No, blogging right now is jsut as important. I am emotionally and mentally processing all of this.

As I got home, I felt physically and mentally fatigued. I did have a strange feeling of elation, it was like feeling drunk. Maybe it was all the activity in the gym, maybe it was the fact that I was the most knowledgeable person in the room for many instances that day, maybe it was the fact that I was starving and getting delerious. As I came home I noticed nobody in the house, so I got some takeaway for sustenance. I wouldn't normally do that but my parents were out, plus I hadn't eaten anything at all. I had a massive binge, but it was only one meal that day. Both are probably unhealthy, but I have to say: it was damned satisfying.

I was so tired yesterday I almost was too tired to jack off, I say almost because I still did, but it wasn't a very horny moment for me. Well, that's a lie, I was really horny, but the fatigue took my arousal down to make it quite painful. So today, I have much to think about and plan. That's a good thing I suppose. I'm also thinking about how tomorrow will pan out, and when my next gym session is. I could do a session today but that would make 3 consecutive days, I could wait until friday (thursday is too busy) but that would be two days after instead of having a day in between of rest. That's probably better than consecutive days, and no gym at all for therest of the week. I did give my shoulders and arms some good abuse over the past couple of days.

Lately I've also measured my bodyfat with my weighing measure. My bodyfat seems to change quite radically with each gym session, 4 or so days ago it was 25.9%, today it is 25.1%. I don't mind being overweight, if my bodyfat is low. Hulk Hogan used to be 300lbs and it was mostly muscle. Why am I thinking so much about Hulk Hogan? Very strange...

Anyway, I should get back to my day, I have a lot to do, and I'm pretty ravenous with hunger as well.

And I will say as well: yesterday was a 'pat-on-the-back' moment.

Norah Jones in the evening

2011-10-03T19:08:00.001+01:00

I'm listening to Norah Jones at the moment. I'm in the house alone, I've just finished supper. I can't concentrate right now. All I am thinking about is my uncle. I should try to get the next few tasks done and then maybe just rest out the day. I've got to prepare for the interview tomorrow, and then I need to plan the route, then plan the itinerary of the day. Finally I'll need to respond to two things that came up suddenly. I've been invited to an interview, and I've been invited to do an online assessment.

You'd think that would help my mood. No, maybe you wouldn't. Someone is supposed to feel sad when they receive news like I did. I saw him just over a week ago, and now my uncle is gone. I love Norah Jones, she reminds me of a scared 18 year old who became me.

My dad said: I've got some bad news...

2011-10-03T17:37:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

There has been a death in the family. I've just found out about 10 minutes ago as I got home. I literally cannot believe it. I still need to get on with a few tasks of my day. My parents are going to make a visit to the bereaved. I literally don't know how to react. I'm shocked, maybe that's a reaction in itself...

I'll need to keep this in mind as I plan the rest of my weeks, to put in time for the funeral and such.

I can't believe my uncle died. I'm glad that I saw him recently, death is the one thing we cannot cheat.

A blog post that isn't about conditionalisation

2011-10-03T15:12:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I have so much determination and very little to show for it.

Lets talk about the weekend first. I went to see my family on Saturday. The weather has been exceptionally warm, in a sense it is like a redux of summer, a Rolling Stones 'Last Ever Tour', a chance to catch up on the feeling of summer and do all those things that people wanted to do in the summer but didn't, another (metaphorically speaking) chance to confess your love to that special someone, well, that's kind of how it feels for many people. Some friends of mine were planning a BBQ but I declined, Instead I went to meet up with another friend who was leaving the UK for good. That was sunday. On Sunday, I ended up visiting the British Museum, and then we were hanging out in some bar in Islington. Then I went to chinatown to eat, I couldn't finish the food, I feel bad about that.

This weekend was more about 'doing', than calculated google calendar tasks, that invariably meant that this morning will be very packed of tasks. On Friday I decided to apply for another Masters degree, I've set the cogs in motion and GCal has set various tasks to catch up with that. Today I have done everything that I've set for today (one grad scheme I chose not to apply to as it wasn't relevant to my skill set, another one I put the wrong deadline - FUCK), but I did, however, manage to complete a TeachFIrst application, on the off chance I might get in, maybe I'll train as a primary school teacher. I'm leaving lots of options open.

So I'm blogging right now as an avoidant action. I've set myself a task: Interview preparation. I have three seperate interview prep tasks:

Prepare myself for specific questions about social science research methods (ugh, I have to be all academic again!)
Prepare myself with being familiar with the organisation, not as hard but just long winded
Prepare my route

I'll do 1, go to the gym, then do 2,3 when I'm back home. Now I'm going to touch up on the epistemology and ethics of qualitative research.

So, talking about all of that helps me, because there's another parallel mental process going on, that's a little bit more academic, I'm thinking about conditionalisation

On being a Single Issue Promoter

2011-10-01T23:19:00.001+01:00

Many times I've come across other bloggers in person, or activist types who can be very lucid about their chosen subject, but they are asymmetrically dull and irrational about some other discourse. Or, their frame of reference on the world is so totalised by a single issue (such as Gender, social justice or some specific cultural movement) that even issues that are tenuously related fail to capture the nuance of the issue beyond their single issue or frame.

This can sometimes be understood as the general fallacy of "appeal to limited pool of knowledge". I'm also reminded of the term by RM Hare, which describes a person who construes their worldview by a single notion or perspective. One of the ways in which the 'religion versus new atheists' discussion can be framed is in terms of two incompatible bliks. So long as the bliks are immune to criticism, they are always antagonistic. Consider for instance, the specific claim that religious belief is tantamount to child abuse, or that it is because of religious and non secular education that fuelled Islamist terrorism. In some respects this evidentially false. Many of the plotters were university educated in subjects such as engineering. Talk about having an evidenced based approach!

I'm always self conscious about whether I have a blik on the world. Writing in multiple blogs and with multiple voices helps me be reflective and self conscious. This is my blog for venting, but having time to walk away from this blog and whatever everyday tasks I'm doing also helps give me perspective. I suppose that inspires the thought that is more succinctly stated by Nietzsche when he says: Many of my best thoughts came to me when I was walking.

2011-10-01T21:07:00.001+01:00

Dear diary,

I feel frustrated and limited means of expressing it.

Nothing seems to be working Things right now are not in the ordered way I like them. My mum changed the pillowcases in my room and I feel utterly disturbed by this. I have things that I need to do and she interrupts the order. Now I can't focus on anything else and I feel frustrated about this fact. I'm also in the background of what I'm feeling, frustrated that my only interview is for a fucking unpaid internship when i'm 25 fucking years old. I SHOULD BE DOING BETTER BY NOW

I want to throw something around and express this feeling by getting angry and behaving destructively. But now I need to just find an envelope to order the documents that I printed earlier

(Listening to generic European power metal)

2011-10-01T01:15:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Today has been quiet a rollercoaster in some moments. I then had boring moments, busy moments and emotionally difficult moments. Maybe a summary of the day is in order. I started the day feeling pretty shit. I felt that if I spent today just laying in bed, I might be able to get away with it since I sent off those four applications a couple of days ago. I felt low, and then later on in the day I was ...oh wait I've already talked about that anger trigger. So after that moment, I decided to get a hair cut, then I looked at one task, which was: investigate Masters in Research funding oppurtunity. I bit the bullet and made a decision in my mind that I will apply. Even though I technically didn't do anything, I have set the following tasks:

(Set time to) Print application form
Set time to Prepare application form
Order a new pair of degree transcripts
Sent email following up degree transcript query
Scheduled follow up time RE: degree transcript issue

I then applied to 3 jobs, clarified the application about one grad scheme and then for the rest of the day I was just lazing and playing a game. According to my schedule, my day consisted of 7 major tasks. I'd count 8 if 'sorting out grad scheme application' counted, but I didn't finish the application so that doesn't count. I feel quite a sense of achievement. To add to that positive feeling, I've also managed to listen to a whole lot of Radio 4, I've lately been following a series called 'Life and Fate' by a Russian author. It's pretty dark it is fair to say.

I've also planned the next few days with relation to my Masters in research application, interview and I've decided to reserve Sunday as a social day. I've also decided to give Saturday (today) morning a training session. I almost have reason to feel proud. But then I realised that I need to lose a lot more weight. I'll try to work on that tomorrow.

2011-09-30T11:21:00.001+01:00

I'm having an anger trigger. I'm going to answer some questions from a website to try and work through it:

What am I reacting to?

I'm angry about the fact that I've been invited to an interview, where there will probably be loads of people who are 21years old and will probably get the job and I won't I'm angry at the fact that its for an unpaid internship that won't help me in any way at all. I'm angry for the fact that this is the only hope I have

What is it that's really pushing my buttons here?

I'm angry at the fact that I've not had a proper job since finishing university, and all my friends are successful. It's not for want of trying. Every interview I get doesn't lead me closer to the goal, I just feel like I'm wasting my time, and I'm wasting my effort with optimism. I'm angry at the fact that I'm from a working class background and nothing is working for me.

Is this fact or opinion?

Some are facts, some are interpretations. Fact: I've not had a decent paying job that can make me independent. Fact: Graduates from 2011 would be 21 years old. Opinion: Optimism is useless, I did get an interview. Opinion: I feel like I'm not welcome because I'm older than most of the graduates. Opinion: I feel worthless because I haven't had a proper job and that I've become stale, or that I've lost my hope.

Am I getting things out of proportion?

I don't know to be honest. I'm still feeling really angry, and I'm really pissed off at the fact that this organisation didn't let me in last year.

How important is this really?

I need to work. Having a job makes all the difference in the world: AND THIS IS FOR AN UNPAID INTERNSHIP

How important will it be in 6 months time?

Depends: will I get a job? Will I get the internship? I feel that the answer to at least one of them is no. I feel the answer to both will be: no

What harm has actually been done?

This really hurts my self esteem, and it reminds me of the painful fact that the world is unfair, and I deserve better.

Am I expecting something from this person or situation that is unrealistic?

What's the worst (and best) that could happen? What's most likely to happen?

I won't get the interview, I'll lose £25 from counselling. I'll have a hurt ego, it will affect the rest of my applications, it might make me binge, I'll lose money. I'll feel insecure. Some 21 year old fuck with a BA in media from lancaster or bullshit university will overshadow me and get the role and end up being wildly successful and rise up the social and economic classes, while I work in a menial job that doesn't pay enough for the rest of my life. Is this exercise supposed to make me feel better? It just crystalises my grief

Best outcome? I might get the job, they give me a job, and maybe I'll work in policy.

Realistic outcome: I go, do okay in the interviews but I still don't get the job.

Am I jumping to conclusions about what this person meant? Am I mis-reading between the lines? Is it possible that they didn't mean that?

Not sure. They invited me because they think I was a good candidate. Application odds probably 1/4 to interview. Realistic interview prospects leading to job? 4*6/50 as a simplified fraction 1/n I guess.

What do I want or need from this person or situation? What do they want or need from me? Is there a compromise?

Is there a compromise? I reschedule the counselling appointment, go to the interview, and get on with my life. I'll try to 'recover' when I don't get the role...

What would be the consequences of responding angrily?

Back where I begun, except no interview. I guess this is a relevant case of 'better than nothing'.

Is there another way of dealing with this? What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)

Reorganise counselling session. Go to interview.

As I was writing up these answers, I emailed the counselling place. Time will tell...

My friend Merv

2011-09-30T00:54:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I went to a birthday party. It was for a family friend, I may have mentioned him before at the funeral last week (the guy who cried and the adults told him to 'be strong' [read as: man up]). I came late, and I made a very limited appearance. I didn't know most of the people but some were fond family members. There was a big age divide, most of the people were the age of his parents, a couple of teenagers, and then a few 20 something guys (us).

I got a chance to talk to my friend, he mentioned how at one party a couple of years ago, I managed to get everyone on the dance floor, especially when the crowd was a bit dead. The story is, among a few people of that day, I was the 'ringleader' and 'hero' of the night for doing it. Personally, I didn't even notice, I think the thing that I noticed was dancing with an older woman (but not sexy-older) while she was saying 'thank you for this'. Anyway, this guy reminisced about moments we've had together which I barely noticed, I felt that it was nice that i could have an impact on his wellbeing in that way, especially considering that he's had a hard couple of years since that party.

A pretty morbid observation was that there was a picture of his dead grandmother on the mantle, not a picture of his grandmother, who happens to be now dead, but a picture of her in deceased status. That was hugely creepy. I remember one time when I found a sellotaped photo album in the shed which had pictures of my dead uncle in a similar light. I had nightmares about it for weeks.Back to my friend, lets call him Merv. Merv likes staring at the ladies, Merv gets away with some pretty sleazy lines when he talks to the ladies. Merv is also kind of depressed, but he's a fighter. As a person who is depressed from time to time, I recognise the strength in him. I hardly have been through an ounce of the shit that he's lived through, and he still keeps going. Merv writes hip hop poetry, and wrote a poem that was recited during the 1 year anniversary that I was in last week (that's why he cried). Merv recently produced a music video about how he is lonely and how he likes girls that don't see the person he is.

At a certain point this evening, Merv says to me: do you know how I can get away with the shit I say to girls? I asked him in genuine curiosity: how? Merv answered: It's because of the (wheel)chair. Elephant in the room moment!! Merv has cerebral palsy, and stated how most of the girls he meets are 'sorry' for him or treat him in an infantilised way. Merv notes the absurdity of being 24 years old and still seen as a child. The thing about children is that you can ignore them and talk to their parents, the other thing is that they don't see him as a person. They see a chair, with a person on it, but its always through the chair that they see him.

Merv has lots of battles to fight, and its not solely the fact that he has speech and mobility issues. Being disabled physically and mentally has caused him to be disabled socially. Merv tells me how at his college, they 'didn't let him continue' to study there, Merv tells me about how people tell him about what he can't do in life, and perhaps most poignantly, Merv has lost many dear friends and relatives over the past 20 months. That's the hardest battle he's ever fought. As I got home, I knew that I wanted to write about him for this blog, as my blog serves as ruminations about the day (usually I'm always thinking about myself: selfish bastard!). Thinking about Merv, and his battles, made me initially feel sorry for him. But I then realised that the last thing Merv wants is for anyone to feel sorry for him. So I'm going to not feel sorry for him. I'm not sure if sympathy is the right word, but I wish him well.

Deep down, I can relate to what Merv's darker thoughts are. I know them because I have them too. The disability I live with is hardly any obstruction to my life compared to what he faces. Merv is only a year younger than me, as an 'able bodied' person I wonder if my relationship with him would be different if he wasn't....I can barely finish the thought. I know what the answer is, and that makes me a very bad and prejudiced person. I feel bad because I think that, and perhaps more so because in his eyes, I'm a nice guy and have caused him to have a few good times.

I think one of the things I notice in my social interactions is how I am the guy who cheers everyone on, and cheers everyone up. I'm the supportive friend, the cheerleader, the guy who is at your corner. I'm a caring person, and I don't even acknowledge that fact. Anyway, now its time to get on, perhaps sleep: but I don't feel tired enough. I just hope I don't wank myself silly tonight. My penis is quite sore from over-use, I barely feel joy from most of the orgasms I've had this week. I think I'll get a hair cut tomorrow. Now I'm just thinking aloud. Stop it. No you first, what do you mean you first: I'm the only one here!

I'm starting to imagine 'her' sitting or standing around me. A voice talking to me, I don't think that 'Mia' is a good enough name.

2011-09-29T18:27:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I applied to 4 jobs yesterday, today I've applied to no-jobs. I looked at a few vacancies and noticed that I'm exempt from applying to them. I spent some of the day waiting for the internet connection to change. The long end of the short story is that my dad changed the subscription provider. I went to the gym and using Fitocracy, decided to so asome different workouts, I decided to take on some of the challenges that the website gives incentives for. Now, I feel a little bit tired, and hungry. The plan for the rest of the evening is to visit a family friend who is having a birthday party. Beyond this, there isn't much that I can say except maybe that my mood has improved, I'm getting a little bit into my strong motivational patterns again (ie. applying to 4 jobs yesterday) and I'm making good progress on my schedule.

I feel too tired to go downstairs, I could easily just collapse to sleep right now, even though I'm hungry.

Although I've done a little bit today, there's still just an extra stretch more to go. Just like in the gym. I really gave some pain to my abdominals, I just hope that it equates to a sexier body, a sexier me, a happier me...

low profile day

2011-09-27T19:53:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I shall state my day in point format:

I woke up ridiculously early today, because I just collapsed to sleep after work last night. The odd thing is that I fell asleep at 11pm, why would I wake up early from that?
I then got really tired and ended up sleeping from 11am-4:30pm, I just let it happen, my body needed it
I did badminton today, but no training (I was covering someone who was missing)
Counselling was cancelled today, the counsellor has a 'personal emergency'. I sincerely hope that she's okay, I did feel worried when I got the text, that I kept reading it over and over, I still feel the need to read it over and over as if analysing it will give me more detail. I'm sure she doesn't want to talk about it, and professionally speaking, I shouldn't know either. I can't help but feel concerned for her...
I got my October shifts, I've put them in my diary. I just hope that I can earn some proper money soon. I'll have lots of time to apply to jobs this coming october.
Today has been pretty sunny, excepting the rain that came yesterday, I am quite enjoying the 'Indian' summer. It reminds me of a certain indian summer of 2004, for better and for worse...
Perhaps an additional note: I wrote a lot of academic stuff today. That's quite unusual

I'm going to have a shower, and maybe eat, then relax for the rest of the day. I can't ask too much of myself today. I feel quite drained, emotionally and physically.

Untimely meditations

2011-09-26T13:33:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

A few things are on my mind:

I'm feeling insecure about my belly, and my body in general.
I'm feeling anxious about the fact that the shirt I'm wearing for work (I'm going in a moment) is already worn and this might be eivdent to anyone who sees it
There's a button on my shirt which looks like it will burst at any moment
I'm worried about money
I'm worried about whether things will really progress on the life front, or the job front. I'm on limbo when I really want to be jet set. FUCK!
I noticed a facebook status update where my ex is having a conversation about me on a picture of me from long ago. Although the comment question was 'who is this hot guy?' she does disclose some personal details about my life to a stranger, and on facebook, and facebook is horrifically public. I am painfully aware about facebook changing and I checked the privacy settings a few days ago. I'm concerned about privacy in an age like this. (I hope this blog isn't identifiable to the person typing it!)
I'm thinking about food. That's the last thing that should be on my mind right now.

I better head off to work

8. I have been jerking off too much. I must have had like 5-7 orgasms in the past 30 hours. That's a sign that something is up with my head. Anyway, back to work...

Machine of change.

2011-09-26T02:52:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I almost feel that the weekend has passed me by. I had an episode a few days ago, a very bad depressive episode. I think that I've recovered from it now. Looking back at my plan, I have been trying to apprehend the past few days. My most immediate memory does not serve me well. A review of the past week says that I've applied to 8 jobs, I've trained 3 times, I've walked about 18 miles, slept in the box room for a few days, did some manscaping and I've managed to overcome the stupour of what happened the other day. I've done other little things: I've tidied up my social networking presence, created an official 'twitter' for people who want to search me for job interview purposes and I've set quite a number of job applications over the next few weeks.

For the coming few days, I hope to keep up my levels of motivation, I hope to keep records of all my activities and I hope to make things better. That's been my whole goal for the past...2 years and it hasn't brought the results I've wanted. I've never worked this hard in my life, not with this amount of organisation and self-maintenance. Shaving my body hair or tidying my room, clearing records and following up issues was never my thing, I was always obsessed with the next deadline, the next immediate problem, but that helped my anxiety in a way that was relevant to then, that kind of approach would not help me now. I have too many facets to deal with at any given time.

In some instances I feel like a super efficient machine. I just hope that I am a machine of aspiration A machine of change, a machine that people will find intimidating. I am a self-improving machine. I will force the future that I need.

Living room thoughts

2011-09-24T01:09:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Today I have not done especially a large amount of things, but after my 'stumble' of yesterday, I think that I'm doing a lot better. I feel pretty motivated, so motivated, in fact that I sent off three applications (technically, its two yesterday, one today on saturday). I didn't count one of them because I sent it half-arsed. Anyway, I've sent two applications off today and done a little bit of job searching. Anthing thing which I've done is that I've set up an external monitor to alienware and I have set up a temporary base of operations in the downstairs living room because some relatives are sleeping over and using my bed (and thus, my room) tonight, and probably this weekend.

I am in the sitting room. This room gives me strange memories. II spent my 'A' levels in this room. I spent most of my teens in this room practicing piano. Before the days of having a laptop (I inherited my dad's laptop before I started uni in 2004), I spent all of my computer time in this living room. It's changed over the years invariably. I have a big shelf full of books behind me, there must be ahundred or so, with another hundred in the shed outside. They are all mine, I've read probably half of them. 1/3rd of what I read I probably read in audiobook form even though I have the actual book version of it. Being in this room is strange. I'm getting lots of memories about when I started university, I remember these things so vividly that it could almost be as if I am living it right now.

Why I am thinking about university is probably because I've been watching that channel 4 comedy series 'Fresh Meat'. It's making me uncomfortable if I'm honest. The fact that the comedian Jack Whitehall is in fact 2 years younger than me and he's already successful and a staple media profile depresses me to no end (he's an actor in the series). Another thing that is on my mind is the juxtaposition of what this living room means to me, and the recent memories that I am triggering off. I loved the time that I spent in this living room. I made myself into the person that I take for granted: intelligent, well read, determined. The activities in this room made me who and what I am. However, the experiences in the late part of 2004 also made me who I am now, the negative experiences gave me a different source of identity, in terms of my determination and my self concept.

Laura once said to me to forget about the past and reminded me that I could make new memories. I'm a person who is vastly different to the past selves of my teenaged self and my depressed university self. I'm not glorious or successful or high achieving as they are, but I'm doing a lot of dirty work. The past selves never wanted to get down to the dirty. I'm doing job searches, reading articles and writing covering letters. It's not glamorous, and in a sense I've lost much of my ambition and wider vision over the nitty-gritty. Perhaps I've compromised my ideals over my plans for the next few days. A part of me wants to say I've lost a very important part of me. Another part wants to say that I've grown.

I think I should say right now that I'm talking to an imaginery female voice in my head. The visions are getting more vivid. I'm creating the fantasy. Yes, she's an imaginery friend, someone I talk to because I have no one else to be honest with. Mia is different to most people in that she talks back, and often says something uncomfortable for me to acknowledge. This probably sounds fucked up, mental even, but it helps me. I've also forgotten how wonderful a desktop desk is, and a large LCD screen instead of my laptop screen. It makes my plans look cooler than on an 11'

I think I might sleep now

2011-09-22T18:18:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling quite depressed today. I remember how Despair feels. I remember it quite vividly now.

I'm not sure how I'm going to sail through this. I'll try. I feel like I've emotionally regressed. After that call today, I felt that everything I've been struggling for has been rolled back. I'm rolled back to being 18 again emotionally. That vulnerable, lonely mess of what I was. If I have depression again, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to cope. I don't want a downward spiral. I was really hoping to get a job by October. FUCK, FUCKING FUCK, WHY CAN'T I FUCKING MAKE IT FUCKING WORK.

!!! maybe that's what my higher functioning self would do...

2011-09-22T12:33:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I didn't get the job. I suppose I should have known. I'm quite upset about it. Yesterday I was talking about how I'm not good at talking about when I feel down. I suppose it is because talking about feeling down perpetuates the feeling. I'm so reluctant to perpetuate the feeling entirely because I'm trying to fight it when I feel it. I wasn't always like that, but I would dwell. Not to say that I don't dwel, but I suppose I realise there is an extent to which I feel it doesn't help.

I feel angry. I suppose that's easier to face than feeling disappointed, easier than feeling vulnerable. Why can't it work out for me? I've been trying really hard.I wish that I had my break. I feel like crying, or maybe purging. If nobody is in the house right now I think I'll purge. I'm so fucking fat I hate it, the more weight I lose, the more I realise how I need to be even more thin. I fucking hate how my belly is portruding out a few inches. I fucking hate my large thighs, it's not all muscle and I want to get rid of the unnecessaries.

I don't know how to face myself in the mirror right now. I don't know how to face the world. All this rejection makes me feel like I'm not wanted.I'm just dead weight. I'm writing this post as a way to escape, as a means to perhaps one might say, vent. I feel the same way when I'm sitting in the toilet. Whether purging or not. What do I do for the rest of the day? It feels so hard to just continue, as if I'm not affected. I am affected. Maybe that's my challenge. Maybe I'll feel better later on after I've processed emotionally. Presume rationality when nothing makes sense. Maybe that's what my higher functioning self would do...

!!!! more memories of 2004

2011-09-22T00:51:00.001+01:00

One of the hardest things I find is to admit vulnerability. But in a reasonable sense, not so much to say 'oh I'm a victim/martyr look how heroic I am', but more to see the good mixed with the bad. So here's my attempt. I had great friends, I was a great friend, I was smart. I thought that's all I needed. Then I started university. I fell apart. I realised I needed life skills: deal with the unexpected, have adult relationships, not frame your present on the past, not have too many specific expectations with no plan. Stop trying to fit the mould of everybody else. I'm getting all sorts of triggers at the moment. Listening to Alan Bennett's play reminds me too much of this time in 2004, just about to start university. I was all on my own, completely culture shocked.

If I did it differently, I would:

Tried to do more things, even if I hated myself for it or felt scared that I didn't know anyone
Tried counselling earlier
Told people that I was having a problem
Went to the doctors sooner
(I've just had a trigger in typing up this list)

(writing in stream of consciousness) Thinking about my mindset then, I can completely recall the feelings, but not with the words to describe it. I felt scared. I was afraid. I felt alone. I missed the old days. I finally realised that the old days had died. I'm no longer the prefect, the school I left has moved on. Emotionally speaking, I didn't move on. I was too afraid to move on because it meant in some way letting go.

This must sound really strange that I'm talking about this. That I'm always talking about the past. Please let me talk about this. What happened defined so much of afterward. What happened defined my pessimism, my depression, my anxiety, my hopelessness. With counselling I've had a good effort in trying to understand my anxiety. I've not had very good tries at explaining my depression. Most difficult is trying to accept my hopelessness (i'd rather not to be honest).

The day before freshers sunday when I moved in, I stayed over at a family friend's. I've known them all my life and they lived near Bristol. I kind of chose the university because I've been to the city a few times because they lived nearby. Seeing them was kind of like a symbol: they were familiar, and part of a symbolic transition: the last minute saloon to becoming a student. I feel overwhelmed right now. If I said I felt overwhelmed by sadness, I'm not sure that really captures it. I feel lonely, isolated, stuck. I'm stuck in the past right now. But I'm also stuck in taht mental moment. Phenomenologically speaking, I can feel the contours of emotion of that time.

On the sunday that I moved into halls, I stayed in that night. There was a hall bar, and 'everyone' seemed to have been in there. I felt tired and didn't want to go. I also felt scared, vulnerable and drained. In fairness, the me of this age and time period would probably have done the same. My anxiety and experiences have taught me not to go full on to social situations all the time. Save a bit of energy, of breath for yourself. The next day, everyone seemed to have paired up with their new friends. I felt like I was left out. I felt like everybody had their friends, made their cliques and allegiances, and I was like always, the last to be picked on the football team. Perhaps it was even worse than that: I didn't even exist to them.

That feeling still sticks with me today, it still haunts me. It feels like every day of my life is that feeling, and many experiences that I have justify and give evidence to that feeling I have. At work I feel it, in interviews I feel it, with social situations I feel it. I'm that cunt who didn't have the balls to make friends and join a clique at university. That first day defined my mindset. But lets be honest: one day doesn't define a person's social status...does it? I don't think so, not among reasonable adults. Among kids in school/college mindsets - maybe, and that's the mindset I was thinking in. It may also have been the mindset those 18 year olds were thinking in as well.

I feel like an outsider. I felt like an outsider.

I need someone to talk to.

17 going on 26

2011-09-21T23:20:00.001+01:00

I've just finished listening to an audio play of Alan Bennett's 'The History Boys'. This work has shocking resonance to my life. It reminds me of my music class, the UCAS struggle, and the angst between being really bright and full of potential, with being let down by yourself in life. Listening to this play has given me a fondness of those memories of when I was a 17 year old boy. I was an interesting person, I was a very different person to how I am now. I am probably a disappointment to the person that had so much potential. I'm a little bit saddend by the ending. The characters all had underwhelming lives, or lived filthily rich. A couple made it good. But the ones you expected, didn't. I have a sympathy for the teacher Irwin, and Posner. Posner is insecure and a minority of many kinds (gay, jewish etc). Posner becomes the one that internalises all the lessons of Irwin and then becomes an underwhelming failure. Wikipedia quotes:

Mrs Lintott describes Posner as living a lonely life with several breakdowns, living off an allotment, keeping "a scrapbook of the achievements of his one-time classmates" and having "a host of friends... though only on the internet, and none in his right name or even gender". She concludes by saying "He has long since stopped asking himself where it went wrong".

This sounds scary. The final lines of the play: Pass it on boys, that's the name of the game. Pass it on.

I dont think i've really been touched by anything lately as strongly as this. Maybe that episode of house when he finally got cuddy, but that's lowbrow by comparison. It's given me much to reflect: being a 25 year old, or a 17 year old, 8 years on...

Disappointment by default

2011-09-21T11:52:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

It was a pretty long day yesterday, and it wasn't that I was starved of thoughts, but just too tired to comment. The next day has come and I'm off to work now. On reflection, I probably didn't get that job that I was interviewed for yesterday. The employers said that they would deal with it by today. If I don't hear anything, that means the usual. Disappointment is my default, my familiar, ironically, my comfort. It would be nice to get the job for once. Maybe September would be my good month for interviews, my lucky month, even.

So today is another shift at work. I think this will take up most of my day. It's dreary today, which should be the norm from now on. I hate the transition to the cold months, I was just getting used to the lovely sunshine, then school starts, university starts for others and its the same old september for everyone else. Politics starts again, and the political season of conferences. Life goes on: at least for others.

Another thing that I might note of today is that my latest weight check is 5lbs down from my last reading. I've not made a note of the readings in recent days. I've had bowel trouble. That means the overall loss is 3lbs. I shuppose that's a good thing.

Almost to the 200lb mark. I still have lots of work to do, and judging by yesterday: I have lots more upper body to work on. Lower body is coming along okay

Some calculations

2011-09-20T20:21:00.003+01:00

Caloric expenditure of walking (before going to gym): 642

Overall calories burned from working + training + badminton: 1416

Distanced walked today (estimation): 8.04mi

I think it was a pretty good day. I'm tired as fuck right now. I think I might just have a second helping of dinner, have a shower and conk off to bed. Little tired to talk. I did that in counselling.

I'd pat myself on the back, but my shoulder hurts.

Some calculations

2011-09-20T20:21:00.001+01:00

Caloric expenditure of walking (before going to gym): 642

Overall calories burned from working + training + badminton: 1416

Distanced walked today (estimation): 8.04mi

I'd pat myself on the back, but my shoulder hurts.

A good day in a world of low expectations

2011-09-19T23:36:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up with a good feeling. No, this isn't a story which ends with me getting a job offer. Now I've killed your expectations, let's start the story properly.

Today I woke up with a good feeling. I thought to myself: Today I can make a difference. Today I can get a lot done, and then relax. In a sense, I suppose that is the essence of what my day was today. I got up as I do most days, then I explored an alternative to shaving with a razor, using my trimming electric razor I shaved down to about 1 day stubble. While it is much better to have a completely shaved face, my lazy self managed to go to one day stubble easily, and it made my day a little bit easier. Sometimes if I feel sweaty, or my facial hair is a bit too much (when I'm not in beard growing season), I feel let down by my mood and less motivated.

At the moment I feel a little motion-sick. I've been playing a game for a little longer than one should. Let's go backwards. I was playing Assassins creed after I prepped for my interview. For my interview I've set an itinerary for tomorrow: get to tube, tube route, how to get to interview building, what I should know, phone numbers to call and a set of options for after the interview. I won't have enough time to get home and then relax before counselling, so I might just burn the time in some other way. Before I prepped, I made some spag bol with quorn, and watched an episode of house. I had the house to myself (no pun intended) as my parents were out. I went to the gym earlier today, after applying to two jobs, setting up a job application profile (leading to another application, but can't finish it today) and then I did a lot of job searching. I counted 6 achievements today. I think that's pretty good.

Tomorrow is another day. Here's to hoping it will be a good one.

My head hurts and I'm horny. Good night

2011-09-16T10:36:00.001+01:00

dear diary,

there is that old saying: those in glass houses should not throw stones. I have little to say, I just feel exhausted. I would much prefer just to lay in bed. I would much prefer just to do nothing, I would much prefer not to deal with my problems, it seems just too hard to cope right now. I remember when my anxiety was really bad. I felt that I wasn't ready to do the things that I had to do, and it was excruciating to have to force myself to do them. Everything was in a rush, everything was urgent. I was wearing myself out, and I knew that I wasn't even working in an optimal fashion.

Now?

I don't know.

I need to get out of bed, prepare for the day and then face life.

2011-09-15T12:09:00.001+01:00

My parents are arguing downstairs. it's making me anxious. I spent much of my recovering hangover listening to 'Ecce Homo'. I'm off for a walk. I'm feeling a bit down today. I wish my parents could sort it out. I wish my family could sort it out

2011-09-15T11:48:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

It's the morning after the night before. On balance, I think that I'm doing not so badly. I think that I'll go for a walk. I also think that I'll try to take things a little bit easier today. I'm feeling a bit off. Alcohol hinders my judgment often, and I am well aware of that when drunk, so I try to behave myself. I suppose at the time it seems funny, but sometimes being drunk can also be a very dark experience and ceases to be funny, especially when one is acting 'humorous' cf the notion of a sick joke.

So I slept in bed for probably 8-9 hours, most of the alcohol has worn off. Now the rest of my day shall be 'as normal', or as far as normal can get. My brain is a little distracted with things today. I need to spend more effort at focusing. Anyway, now I should get on with my day. I clearly opened this blogging window to try and say something insightful, and I've lost my train of thought. Perhaps that is more telling than anything.

When I 'accidently' vomited last night, it did remind me of how wonderful purging used to be.

Off to my day!

2011-09-15T01:09:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I got pretty drunk tonight. So drunk that I threw up in the toilet last night. I was about to put a 'funny' facebook message on a friend's wall (conducive to my drunkenness), but I then realised that I received an email telling me that I didn't get the job last week. As drunk as I can get, that message really hit me into sobriety. Nothing is funny right now. Instead I feel like a clown who took a joke too far. I realise with that job rejection the difference between artefice and core. Reality and illusion. The reality is that I didn't get the job. The artefice, the illusion is the appearance of feeling joyous when I'm drunk.

In a sense, the joke is on me. Everyone gets on with their life, their job. I don't. I didn't get the job. Its the story of my life all over again. I'm broken, beaten, exhausted for tonight. Alcohol is not my refuge as I thought it might be, it is my curse. Sobriety will come tomorrow. Disappointment will come tomorrow. How will I face myself? How will I face what I am.

If I weren't drunk, I'd feel utterly disappointed. If I weren't drunk I'd feel utterly lonely. This is me saying goodnight. This is me trying to put a brave face.How do I honestly feel? I feel sad, disappointed, let down by myself. I feel like a failure. I feel like purging.

After reading through what I've just written, it sounds more optimistic than I expected.

2011-09-14T13:39:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I've realised that I've only applied to ONE job over the past week. I've not been very forthright in my job hunt. I've been lazy in that regard. In other regards I have not been lazy: I've been trying to juggle finances, I've created a bank account and I've had a bit of a social life. On my mind in recent days is the outcome of the interview that I had last week. Part of me (more than a small part) is hoping, almost even expecting an email telling me that I've got the job. In fact, I know that once I'm told that I don't have the job (an outcome that always happens), I'll have a massive crash and feel pretty shit about myself. I had a moment earlier where I seriously thought about purging.

So what's happening today? Today I got the cheque for selling my DVDs, I'm planning to go out later as well. I've also sent one job application and did a bit of job searching as well. Another plan which I have today is to send off the shift list for October to my boss. I have lots of tasks on my schedule, and I'm going through them pretty quickly. I suppose I can't ask much more of myself than that. I might take a little break now, then take a walk to the bank. I'm tempted to finish my day early on the basis of meeting up with some friends for the planned sojourn tonight. I don't want to give the impression of compromising my tasks, though. I must not be complacent, I must not be lazy.

Speaking about not being lazy. I did pretty well at the gym yesterday. I did an intensive session with mostly weights and calisthenics. Afterward I did some badminton practice with my neighbours. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to play with them. That would be really nice. I've never been one for sports (because of my disability), but now that I'm getting a little better at badminton, its helping my hand-eye co-ordination (my disability) and its giving me a sense of confidence. I'm also combining my new-found physical fitness as well. Perhaps this will open a new lifestyle for me.

Okay. Back to my day. After reading through what I've just written, it sounds more optimistic than I expected.

A middling day

2011-09-12T21:50:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I feel that I haven't done very much today at all, most of the things 'happened to me' more than as a result of being proactive. Lets talk about what I've been up to:

I caught up on reading articles from last week
A *little* bit of job searching
Cleaning up my HDD
Creating a new (and week long) playlist of music
I went to work (little bit of awkwardness with a single member of the team who is too uppity for her own good)
I was invited to an interview next week.

I suppose things that have been on my mind are:

Feeling down about poor prospects RE: Social mobility (listening to podcast by Owen Jones, author of 'Chavs')
I felt nervous around cute girl at work, I think there are evident signs that she likes me
I feel a bit tired, but I have eaten a fairly normal amount of food today.
While at work, I have been thinking about the past 3-4 days which have basically amounted to no job searches. I went out on Saturday, recovered on Sunday. I didn't do applications on Friday
My energy levels are fluctuating extremely, or perhaps a better word than 'fluctuate' is that i'm feeling very tired. I'm still maintaining weight rather than losing it over the past few days, which is partly to be expected, and it is a necessary part of healthy weight loss. It's not fluctuating in the sense that its going up and down, its just more like having down moments, even more down moments and then 'the absence of down'.
I've spent most of my day isolated since getting home. I've made almost no human contact. That fact brings me down a little bit

All in all, I think that I've done a reasonable amount, I wish that I did more, but I've cleared a path for future days. I think that this week will be more busy than most.

One less problem

2011-09-11T06:00:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary

I'm back from a night out. It's nearly 6 am. I have a 'crew' of guys that I usually hang out with. It is like a buddy movie, we all have different roles. There's the bold one, the smart one, the cute one, and the crazy one. In fairness, we aren't all the same roles all the time. We had a pretty savage night out, I didn't get drunk, although I did throw up in the corridor of my mate's building. It's nice to have nights out with friends. It wasn't so nice being on the night bus and hearing very loud people from differing areas of the community being overbearing in their loud conversations. We had a strange latina lady talk to us (notably from the club we came from earlier). We also had a group of generic Eastern European types who seemed scary and loud but they were probably big softies, there was a moment when one of them jumped back into the bus after exiting.

Perhaps the most bizarre group were the people singing gospel songs really loudly. I couldn't tell if they were for real or were being ironic. Why would evangelical Christians get wasted in Stockwell on a saturday night? Didn't think that met their notion of Godliness. My anxiety was spiking at points this evening, but it was manageable. Having the new insole in my shoe helped. Its an odd thing to note as an emotional support but it was one thing among many. You see, when I didn't have the insole, my gait was affected, it would affect my walking, my posture and at a club, my ability to move in dance like motions. I had less pain, therefore less sense of inadequacy, less anxiety: less sense of self-consciousness, less to worry about. I was also thinner, again, it was 'one less thing' to worry about.

I realise that I cant sort out everything to get better in my life at once.I can however, work on little things, and if there is 'one less problem' I'd much benefit from it. That's how I used to see purging: one less problem. Is it notable that I take this approach to my anxiety and dealing with social situations? I've done enough thinking for a good while, I've done more than my share of cash spending.I'd give myself a break on whether I ate too much. At least I didn't get drunk. One less problem...that's an interesting approach.

I want to add a supplemental comment. Today my multicultural group of friends went to a latin american party, on the way home we were among a fairly multicultural group in the bus home. We were all having a good time, maybe some people were overbearing but meant well.. In the 10th Anniversary of september 11th 2001, celebrating a free way of life among people of different backgrounds is perhaps a symbol of what makes British society so great.I think that I'm going to sleep. The sunrise has caught me up.

Here's to the memory of lives lost on that terrible day in New York and Somerset Country as well as in Washington. I have fond feelings for the United States, I was there not long before the attacks on the 11th. The fear that it could have been me on a connect flight is unthinkable. I live in relative peace and safety; security and (even though I'm underpaid) comfort. I might sound flippant but our way of showing the terrorists won't win is by carrying on as usual. People have fun, maybe even make mistakes. It's our priviledge to with the freedoms we have.

2011-09-09T16:30:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Today I didn't wake up as depressed as yesterday. I have completed tasks for which if I hadn't done them it would be on my head constantly, namely: I've cleared up and confirmed certain bank documents after receiving a whole lot of paperwork. I then cleared up about 4-5 months of receipts, basically it involved all of my finances over the summer. Now I've cleared a lot more of the day. I am thinking about doing the gym today. My energy levels are very low today, so I might make a half-session or a less stringent session at the gym. Tomorrow I have a meet up/party situation going on, so I have to clear a lot of the day. I also have to clear time for two three shifts at work, and I have seemingly even sorted my training days. I said this yesterday so maybe it seems more disingenuous: I'm going to take it a little bit easier today. I want to go for a walk. If that means I end up walking to the gym, so be it. I'm going to take the rest of the day a little more casually. All the paper sorting has gotten to me a bit, bloody retail banking...

Here's to a good weekend, all the same

2011-09-08T18:37:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I cleared a lot more of the tasks. All the job searching, leisurely research tasks, reading of articles, and browsing prospective applications have numbered to 75 tasks. I almost feel that I've done everything I can today. I feel quite tired and hungry, but I also feel guilty every time I get to the kitchen. I guess there are all sorts of other tasks I could busy myself with. I'm just being a busybody today, it feels like I'm going nowhere, like I'm endlessly commiting to tasks like a dedicated idiot. In fairness, my schedule looks just a little bit clearer. Until tomorrow's tasks are released, at least.

2011-09-08T14:54:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

I feel a bit better. Now I am upright, and fed, I realise that there is a bloody lot of things to do today. Having a late start today was something my body needed, but there is no rest for the wicked. I've got lots to do today!!

On with it. I just wanted to say after the last message, I'm feeling a little better, I have a lot to fight against today, but I'm fighting now.

I am feeling depressed today

2011-09-08T13:22:00.001+01:00

Colleagues were arguing last night, it made me feel uncomfortable, and today I suppose its affecting me too. One group was complaining that the other didn't tell them about the canapes that were upstairs when we were working.The canape group were complaining that no one from downstairs came to replace them (I was technically part of the first group [before the canape incident]) and then the second group (when we didnt relieve them) as my position in the shift wasn't needed by the second half of the event. I don't know why I felt the need to talk about that, it's been on my mind and makes the work environment uncomfortable, even when I'm a neutral party to the group. It just makes me think: what do they say about me if they are like that to each other? That makes me feel down
My black cords for work were falling down, belt or no belt, 36 2008 uniqlo trousers are no longer fit for purpose. A new me needs fitting clothes. It felt weird that the trousers were hanging from just a bit under my waist, rather than my hips. Losing more weight is making the distinction between hips and waist a bit more marked. I'd love to have those hips that male models have where it shows through their thorax. Is my terminology right? Losing weight makes me more aware of my body, and other people's bodies as well. I become self critical, and by extension, critical of others. I'd love to be one of the 'beautiful people' instead of being from the 'ugly table' in a party.
I'm not feeling very good today. I'm feeling a bit depressed. It's a weird thing for me to say. I found it difficult as an expression, when people said they felt depressed, for me that term meant nothing, because that's how I felt ALL THE TIME. It's like saying 'I'm breathing', who gives a shit? It happens to me all the time. But today, however, I feel it stronger than most days. Maybe I'm worn down, I also realised that it may even be my blood-sugar levels are quite low. I'm going to make some food to resolve that. Food may resolve my mood. It's brain chemistry.

I may have had other things to say, but I don't really care right now. I struggled to get my clothes on, get out of bed, put the laptop on the table and type this blog. As ar as I'm concerned, that's more than I expected of myself about 15 minutes ago. Now I'm ready to start eating again. Sometimes it takes a lot of emotional effort for me to eat. It's fair to say that even though I don't have fingers down my throat, I still have 'issues' with food.